February 22, 2016

4th anniversary

So on this very day 4 years ago, we drove to the clinic, met our doctor in a sterile room wearing funny hats & robes & shoe covers, and "picked up" our future child. Of course we didn't know that this would be our child.. we hoped, but after one unsuccessful ICSI cycle and the second resulting in a miscarriage at 9 weeks, we were a little nervous & cautious. It took me a long time to get over the fear of losing that pregnancy. I just had to make it to my 6 week scan, then I just had to make it past 9 weeks to last longer than my m/c, then I just had to get to the 12 week scan so I could announce it, then I just had to get to the 19 week morphology scan.. once that was all clear, I was happy but not content yet. I think once I'd made it past 24 weeks (the so-called safe point) I really allowed myself to enjoy being pregnant.. I started "looking" pregnant & embraced my blooming body. I loved being pregnant... everything was amazing to me, even with all the aches, pains & the not-so-pretty symptoms. I lapped it up. I didn't want it to end. It was something I feared I would never experience in my lifetime.. & something I wasn't sure I'd get to experience again.

This week we hope to get another shot.

After about 15 (?) more disappointments, I wish I could say we're numb to the process. Unfortunately I still dream of that little bubble in the screen turning into a huge part of my life. I don't think hubby feels the same. He doesn't allow any real hope to creep in. I get it. He's protecting himself, it's how he copes with this crazy, artificial world. But I need the hope. I couldn't put myself through all this without it. So we battle on.. & hope we win the war.

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UPDATE: After waiting in an even busier clinic this morning (well, actually outside the clinic, in the corridor, as there was no room) for 1.5 hours (!!!!!) I finally got my ultrasound and blood test done. I have to say I felt really sorry for all the nurses & sonographers.. they were flat out & all patients were pretty peeved with the ridiculous wait times. Anyhoo, the scan showed 7 follicles & a 7mm lining. The nurse called before lunchtime to let me know that my FS was pretty happy with 3 of them at 17mm, 16mm & 14mm. He wants me to go for another blood test & scan tomorrow morning (kill me) and I might be having the pickup op on Thursday or Friday (I'm hoping Thursday!). I don't think my endo thickness is great so I'm a bit worried, and trying to research ways to naturally increase it. It seems orgasms & exercise are the order of the day :-) 😝

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