Letter to my Un-Pregnant Self

If you get that dreaded BFN I want you to remember these things:

* You still have a great life

* You have a boyfriend that loves you

* You have a family that loves you

* You have a great job

* You can drink wine again!

* You can relax for a while

* You can stop googling symptoms

* You can eat whatever you like, use wheatbags whenever you like, use a sauna if you like..

* You can stop injecting for a while

* You can stop sniffing for a while

* You can stop squirting nasty hormones up your vajajay for a while

* You won't have a bloated tummy for a while

* You can have sex if, and whenever, you like

* You don't have to make appointments for a while

* You don't have to hide things from your workmates, family, friends for a while

* You are fortunate that you can try again

* Your Dr now knows more about your cycle & how you react to the drugs.. it will be better next time

Don't lose hope. Keep your eye on the prize. But don't let it consume you.

Your child will find you.. when it's the right time.

Ramblings of a madwoman.. (only 1dp5dt)

Cramping today.. tummy & back. Implantation, I hear you ask?? Hmm.. maybe that's just me.

Google is not my friend today. It giveth, then taketh away. My head is jumbled up with good signs, which could also be bad signs, which could also just be symptoms of the Crinone.

Give me strength!! I think I was happier when I thought there was no way this one was going to work! The hope is more heart-wrenching.. the faith more fearful.

I'm not sure whether to clear my head, or clutter it with everything else to bury these thoughts.

Why can't they invent something that shows what's going on in your uterus at any given time? I'd give anything to see if my morula is a blastocyst, if it's implanted or floating.. or if it's still there at all.

Am I mad? Methinks you ain't seen nuthin' yet!!

PUPO!

OK.. so had embryo transfer today. Have mixed feelings. The doc didn't sound too optimistic that it would take. The only embie I had left was still only at the morula stage today, & the odds of those ones working are lower than if they are blastocysts. But I've spent all day & night googling "day 5 morula transfers" and there's a few BFP's out there, not many, but a few nonetheless.

The procedure itself was fairly quick & straight forward. Followed doc into a "clean room" or something like that, with a weird security door, instructions everywhere about putting the blue medical bag things over your shoes & putting the sexy blue hat on. Just stripped the bottom half of my clothing off & put a backless gown on. Then when I was ready I pressed the security button which let me into the next room. No-one was in there, just a stirrupped chair, stool for doc & a TV screen. I heard muffled voices in the lab next door and another room no doubt like this where another woman was having the same procedure. I saw her go in earlier.. she was wearing orange shoes. I smirked. I didn't feel so silly in my orange top after that ;-)

So doc came in, prepped me as if I was having a pap smear, & called out to the lab tech on speaker phone that he was ready. She put my petri dish on the TV screen to show my name & DOB, and then the embryo, to assure me they had MY embryo & not someone elses. She then came in with a catheter, which the doc inserted into me. The tech took it back to the lab, put it under the microscope & checked the embryo was gone. All done!

On the way home I told DP about the lack of optimism by the doc. DP said not to give up on this one, it could still be the one. It was then that the lyrics "don't give up on me baby" came on the radio. Can't remember the name of the song. But I pointed it out & DP said "there you go!".

So let's just say I'm hopeful, but trying not to get my hopes up. Not sure if that makes sense but it's working for me so far. The rest of the 2ww could be another matter.

Pregnant... until proven otherwise ;-)

And Then There Was 1..

One lonely embryo has made it through.

I'm numb. The odds are against us. I'm already thinking to the next attempt. I hope I can get straight into the next cycle. Should I be thinking positive about this round? Probably. But I can't. I don't think I could handle the disappointment if I got my hopes up. I just want to get this over with.

Transfer tomorrow 9.10am. A mere $7540 taken off my credit cards today. The hellish 2ww (2 weeks waiting) ahead of me. It's going to be torture. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for all this. I don't know how women can do 5, 6, 10 attempts. How am I going to get through this one, let alone a second?

I'm trying to remember what my life was like before all of this obsession. I vaguely recall it was great & I loved it. But now it seems so meaningless. I need to find something to hold on to.. for my sanity. I need to rediscover my obsession for my DP, he deserves more from me. He doesn't deserve a moody, snapping dragonlady who can only converse about eggs, sperm & baby names. He still remembers who I was. I just need him to remind me.

1 good egg.. and a couple of stragglers

Today we have 1 good egg.

The clinic called me this morning.. a lot earlier than I'd expected. She told me we have 1 very good egg which has divided into 10 cells. The other 2 are only at about 3 cells each, so hopefully they're gonna get going overnight & make us proud! By this stage they should be between about 6 and 10 cells so at least we have one excellent specimen.

My moods are all over the place. I'm taking the news surprisingly well, considering only the other day I lost it about having 3 eggs left! I just don't get myself ;-) I've been so restless at home.. bored stiff. Despite still being a touch sore I just HAD to go to the shops for something to do. Unfortunately the whole of Sydney decided to join me! It was crazy! The shops had only been shut for 1 day, you'd think they'd been shut for a month!!

I bought a massive tin of Sustagen (the Hospital Formula with Fibre). Apparently the protein helps with the bloating & helps to avoid OHSS - Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome. I was bummed I couldn't find any blueberries in Coles, I guess it's no longer the season so I'll have to go without for a while.

Well I really hope I have some great news to share tomorrow.. I would be over the moon to have a great embie to implant, and a couple of others to freeze, but who knows? Please wish me luck.. if there's anyone out there...

Easter Sunday.. & embie update

Firstly, Happy Easter!

I had to work today, and a 10hr shift at that. Poo! It was my first day back after the EPU & I was still feeling a bit sore & sorry for myself. I thought I'd be better by then but no such luck. Oh well, I battled through. Nobody asked what was wrong with me, despite me hobbling around very slowly. I was given a bit of a hard time for not working on the day of my op, but I just said I had something on that was personal, and left it at that.

The clinic called while I was working & I had to call them back later. I was dying to find out about my embies!! The scientist said my 3 were dividing nicely and looking good. The one that wasn't fertilising still hadn't done anything so that looked like a dud. Oh well, feeling a little more positive about it today after a meltdown yesterday. As DP said - good things come in 3's.

I started the dreaded Crinone gel last night. "Administering" it wasn't as bad as I'd envisaged. I'm a little concerned about the side effects listed on the pamphlet, and widely discussed on fertility forums. Things such as depression.. my favourite is "feelings of unworthiness". Great. Can't wait. I've told DP about it.. he's really angry they list such negative things & thinks it puts bad thoughts into people's heads. I'm trying to get through to him that it's listed for a reason. And I told him for a reason - so he could look out for me & make sure I don't go over the edge!

OK.. must go & lie down for a while now. On top of the stomach pain, the bloating & the gas pains I'm also reaaaaaally blahhh from TOOOOO MUCHHHH CHOCOLAAAAATE!!! Ugh.