July 18, 2014

ICSI #4 - All Over

Just woke up & AF came with a vengance.

I feel defeated.

July 17, 2014

8dp5dt - Is this the end?

I've been reluctant to post any "symptoms" during the 2ww in case I jinx myself & end up with egg on my face. But it seems it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Is this the end?

I was awoken up by painful intense cramps the morning of 4dp5dt & thought it might have been implantation. They only lasted a few hours on & off .. something I don't usually experience in a normal cycle. I then started getting backaches, slight nausea, upset tummy, sharp pains just next to my belly button & a really nasty headache that lasted for 2 days from 6dp5dt. Surely these were pregnancy symptoms??! I was starting to feel a little smug. Now I just feel like a mug!

This morning I used a leftover First Response (FRER) HPT from our last cycle. It expired about 9mths ago but surely it would still pick up any HCG in my system? Nope. A pretty definitive & glaringly obvious BFN. I was down, but clutching at straws thinking there's still hope. Too early? Faulty cos it was expired? So I ordered another packet of FRERs with my online groceries to be delivered tomorrow. I could test again tomorrow & see my BFP! But tonight I saw blood. A very faint hint on my panty liner.. & then a few red spots on the Crinone (progesterone) applicator. AF's coming... & she can kiss my ass.

So I had half a glass of wine tonight.. my big FUCK YOU to infertility!

I just don't know if I can do this again. It's shit. It really is. IVF is no picnic. It interrupts & takes over your life. It's unfair. It's painful. It's horrendously expensive. It's emotional. And it's shit.