September 7, 2011

5w5d pg.. or am I?

Still stressed out. My lack of pregnancy symptoms really isn't helping. I'm not feeling all that queasy lately, my overactive sense of smell has eased, and I still don't have veiny or sensitive BBs. It's freaking me out! It's still 13 days until my first scan.. and counting!

I've had a few "moments" where I was convinced I was losing this pregnancy. I thought I may have seen the slightest tinge of red/brown on the tp when I wiped yesterday. Of course now I come to think of it, it was barely anything at all. But all these period-like cramps aren't helping my lack of confidence. It's so ridiculous that I actually almost wish I would throw up or something, so I would feel pregnant! I'm finding this wait so much worse than the 2ww after embryo transfer! Back then I was into all that positive thinking & affirmations & stuff. This time I am really struggling to feel anything but negativity. I wish I could snap myself out of it. DP says I should forget about the pregnancy for a while & just "chill out".. but how do I do that when I've got to be careful of what I eat & do? It's just a constant reminder.

So anyway, I've decided to book into the public hospital system at RNSH. Luckily my GP is an accredited carer so I can go with the Shared Care model if I want, although I'm wondering if she will charge me for appointments whereas the hospital is free? The hospital called me yesterday to book me in for the 19 week morphology ultrasound. Unfortunately the date they want to do it falls when I'm meant to be working interstate. They won't budge on their date. They say it's their policy to do it at 19 weeks & 3 days exactly. What the heck? My other choice is to have it done elsewhere & pay out of pocket. I was pretty miffed & didn't end up booking but now I'm thinking I really should do it with them & bugger work. After all, this is more important, right?

It's so weird to be making important decisions & bookings so early. I feel like I'm barely pregnant & still trying to come to terms with it all. And I can't help but wonder what it's like for those who make all these plans & appointments only for it to turn out bad. What if their first early scan shows no heartbeat & the pregnancy not viable? How devastating it must be to have to call all these people back & tell them you have to cancel. God I hope I'm not one of them.