February 16, 2015

"It's not going anywhere..."

I waited until 4.40pm before calling the clinic.. they normally call me somewhere between 12pm and 3pm so the anticipation was dragged out even longer.

When I finally got onto a nurse she said they were extremely busy & that's why they hadn't called yet (geez sorry). She abruptly told me my levels were falling so this wasn't "going anywhere", to stop using the Crinone and come back in a week for another blood test.

That was that.

So I'm left to continue bleeding, and get on with my life.


In limbo..

I had my second blood test (beta) this morning & I'm currently in limbo, waiting to hear the result.

I'm not feeling too positive about it now. First thing this morning I took another HPT and the pregnancy line was lighter than yesterday afternoon's very dark one. The clinic nurse also didn't fill me with any hope. I guess I prefer people to be realistic with me & not fill me with false expectations. I double checked & my levels at 12dp5dt were HCG = 265, P4 = 31.

Of course my bleeding has stopped today. It was still quite heavy at times yesterday but today I'm only getting these weird brown flakes / specks in my urine. I can only guess it's remnants of tissue being expelled. I had some more cramps & abdominal pain yesterday too.. that's never good.

This journey is such a damn rollercoaster! I almost wish I hadn't had the first blood test & just went on with life thinking my period had come & we were unsuccessful this round. To be given hope again is just cruel. 

I don't know whether this was a chemical pregnancy, blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy (again), a regular miscarriage, or one of those far-fetched miracle stories you hear about but never believe.

This two week wait (2ww) is into its third week.. still waiting..

February 15, 2015

Friday the 13th... lucky for some...

Sorry I haven't blogged since this cycle started.
But there's a fair bit if news to catch you up on.... A LOT of news!

So I was going to post earlier in the week about some possible symptoms, thinking that they'll be useful even if I get a BFN.. so I don't kid myself next cycle that they're pregnancy symptoms. For instance, since around 6dp5dt or 7dp5dt I started noticing a very strong sense of smell. I was also burping a lot, particularly when rolling over in bed. My skin was breaking out and I felt a bit "off". I started thinking about POAS soon but, of course, started spotting the evening of 8dp5dt. By the time I woke up the next day I was bleeding heavily. AF had arrived two days before my scheduled BT. I was gutted.

I started talking to hubby about quitting my job. It's highly stressful & I've been pretty fed up with it for some time. This was the last straw. I needed to feel like I was doing something to help our chances. I also started looking up fertility acupuncturists in our area. I'd never tried it for IVF support before, didn't really believe in it seeing as I'd fallen pregnant twice without it. Now was the time.

On Friday the 13th I had my BT appointment at the clinic at 9am. I thought about cancelling, but knew they'd make me come in anyway. What a pain. Such a waste of time. The nurse was sympathetic about my period coming.. I chatted about how I had some "symptoms" but turns out they were the result of the Crinone.. the sense of smell was just one of those false pregnancy symptoms it can cause. She said she'd never heard of that one.. that was new to her. I asked her to check my file & confirm what cycle we were up to as I'd lost count. She said nine. Seriously? 9?? I can't believe we've been so unsuccessful this time around! I told her I saw a new GP yesterday who suggested I give up & just "smell the roses" for my own sanity. I told them both I'm just not ready to give up. I still believe we have another child waiting for us. But that belief was waning. It's hard to stay strong when so many people think you should give up.

Anyway, fast forward to Friday afternoon. I'm at work, it's crazy busy, and the phone rings. I try to move to a quiet spot so I can take the call, as I know it's a nurse delivering my solemn news. She asks my date of birth, I tell her & then prepare to console her with "it's ok, I know it didn't work. Thanks anyway". But she just says "CONGRATULATIONS!"

I go quiet. I'm thinking it must be April Fool's Day.. or I misheard.. or she rang the wrong patient. I squeak "sorry???!" She repeats "congratulations". I think I say "why??!" She laughs & exclaims "you're pregnant!"

I stumble out the door, trying to find a private space to talk. I whisper "no, no, my period started. It's heavy, it's bright red". She insists I'm pregnant, but after a couple of minutes she starts to waver & decides to double check with the lab. Turns out someone else with my surname also had a blood test there the same day, it's a common name. She comes back, insisting it's definitely me. I'm shaking.. and laughing. I tell her this is hilarious & I'm a bit confused. She tells me stories of former patients who bled every month, right on time, right through their successful pregnancies. I've heard these stories too, but to be honest I put them down to urban myths. Crap women tell tell each other to give them false hope. I'm a realist. Don't boost me up if things are probably over. It only prolongs the agony.

But she insists my levels are good. HCG 247 at 12dp5dt & progesterone was ok too (can't remember the number) but she said it wasn't low enough to explain the bleeding. I tell her I stopped using Crinone a few days ago, so we decide I should start it again. She suggests we get another BT on Monday to check my levels again & compare. Thank god. I go home & manage to squeeze the tiniest drop of pee on my last HPT.. nothing happens for a while so I think I missed the stick & have to try again tomorrow. I look again 2 mins later & there's a VERY dark pregnancy line, and a faint control line.

So this is where I'm at - pregnant, but in limbo. I've had a lot of cramps & upper abdominal pain. The bleeding is still as heavy as a period. I have clots & blood-stained clumps of Crinone falling out. I don't know if there's any chance this pregnancy will progress, but I guess I feel hopeful because I was finally able to fall pregnant again. If this doesn't work out I will try again. I'm not giving up hope, no matter how many people think I should. Not yet.

There's still a chance.