January 19, 2013
I've been debating with myself about whether to post my "birth story" on here. It wasn't exactly the experience I'd hoped for (read: horrendous!) and I think I've come to the conclusion that this isn't the place for such a story. I created this blog for my own sanity but also for those going through the insane journey that is IVF. In the end, it had the most amazing outcome and I'm so happy.
Up until about a month after the birth, I couldn't believe any woman would willingly go through it twice, but 2.5 months on... I'm sooooo in love with this little boy that I'm softening on the idea. My hospital stay was grueling and I definitely didn't feel myself but... it's labour! I don't know what I was expecting! I also felt a little disconnected from the situation. I think after everything I'd been through (both the 12 years of trying and the 27hrs of labour) I was numb. It didn't feel like it was happening to me. I stared at this little creature in my arms and couldn't quite comprehend that he was here and he was mine. I don't think I was exactly "depressed" as I did feel maternal towards him and thrilled he was here and healthy, but I also wasn't quite right. I can see that now. I just couldn't connect with my emotions and feel the way I knew I was meant to feel.
I don't want to scare anyone or imply it's less than amazing.. I just want to be honest about my experience. And to let anyone else going through the same thing know that, for me, it was short-lived and you will get through it. 10 weeks on, I am finally seeing through the fog and am blissfully loving life as a mummy. I look at this angel in my arms now and feel every emotion possible that it's overwhelming. But mostly love. So much love!
Overall, knowing what I know now, I would embark upon this journey again in a heartbeat! Wouldn't hesitate. It's just soooo worth it! It's all a blur now though.. all the little details that I obsessed about every minute of the day.. the needles, the appointments, the tests, the phone calls, the worries, the anticipation, the disappointments, the crushing blows.. and so many things I can't even remember - they're all so insignificant now in the scheme of things. They were just little hurdles along the way to my destiny. And the miscarriage? I actually feel the same way.. it was just a hurdle. It was unfortunate, and definitely not a piece of cake, but it happened and we got through it. That one wasn't meant to be. Now we have our REAL miracle: