September 10, 2012

31 weeks - diary entry

So I figured I should jot down some of the stuff I'm feeling & experiencing lately.. just in case I'm lucky enough to get preggy a second time & want to refer back to what happened last time.

I am just sooooooooo happy still to be "with child"! I feel so blessed & just amazed how far we've come :) Despite coming to terms with the fact that I'm actually FINALLY pregnant a while ago, the novelty of it all still hasn't left me. Especially when "Malibu" kicks or moves. And boy, does he/she move!

I may just be growing a sumo wrestler inside me! Bub is getting stronger every day! Just when I think he can't kick any harder or poke that foot out any further he shocks me! Takes my breath away sometimes. But I love every minute of it.

OK.. my back aches, my hips click, I'm slow & cumbersome, my feet hurt, my ankles are puffy, my voice has changed & sounds constantly nasally, my nether regions feel heavy & strangely achy (but actually nowhere in particular, just generally???).. apart from all that, I'm just blissfully & sickeningly happy. I am LOVING being pregnant. I have hardly felt sick at all. I am so lucky.

Now for the reality check.. I can see the finish line in sight & it's starting to freak me out! I'm worried about the lack of sleep ahead of me. Seriously, I LOVE my sleep! I'm not a nice person if I haven't had a good sleep for a couple of days. I don't cope well. I'm a shift worker so I've had to endure this on numerous occasions but there's always a sleep-in over the horizon. There will be no horizon for some time to come. This is concerning me.

I'm also worried about not having any family living in the same state. They're ALL on the other side of the country! We don't have many close friends here either. Our closest friends (who we don't see that often) are child-adverse. They're not baby people. They don't have kids of their own and they're very vocal about never having wanted them. They're not the type of people I could ring up & ask to take the bub off my hands for an hour or so if I'm not coping. I do have some lovely work colleagues, but I'm not so close to them that I would feel ok about ringing for help. However they've had kids themselves & I'm sure they would understand.

DP is very hands-on & excited about the upcoming birth. He works 4 days on, 4 days off so he'll be home a lot to help. And I know he will. But I'm worried about it being just the 2 of us with no-one else to lean on. Will we cope? Will our relationship withstand the pressures? Will we still like each other in 2 years time? God I hope so.. cos he's been my rock & my whole world for so long. And he's giving me all I ever wanted in the form of this baby, despite needing a lot of convincing in the first place.

Am I also worried about the birth? Of course! It's only just starting to concern me though. Originally I thought I'd just go for the epidural & it would all be ok. But now I'm reading a lot of things that urge towards natural pain relief for my situation. I've got a lot of recurring tailbone pain from a ski fall two years ago. I'm not sure if I broke it at the time.. but it took ages to heal. The Dr didn't alleviate my concerns by saying there's a chance I may rebreak it during labour. Oh.My.Lord!! So after a bit of research it seems I'm better off not getting an epi so I can be on all fours to take the pressure off, and being able to feel the pain so I don't do any more damage. Now I'm so confused. I'm not the type of person who believes in airy fairy mind-over-matter methods, although I envy those who do. I'm not strong of mind, I can't convince myself about something I don't believe in. I want it to be a calm experience (as calm as possible anyway) and natural labours always seem to unnecessarily panicked to me. Hypnobirthing sounds interesting, but I feel like I need to do way more research & learn about all the alternatives. But I'm worried I've left it too late.

I've also just found out my best friend (who lives in Brisbane, just a short plane ride away from us in Sydney) has just bought an awesome house back home in Perth (where I'm also from). She & her husband were trying for a baby for a year or two as well but are having trouble. Now they're planning to move back west to be near family. And I'm jealous. I'm jealous they can afford this amazing house & jealous they're going to be near family again. She deserves it.. but I hate that I felt a fleeting shot of regret for not being in their situation. How crazy is that?! We probably can't afford a house (we live in a tiny apartment) but we do have an investment property in Perth.. and - WE'RE HAVING A BABY! I am happy. But I'm also jealous. Ugh.

OK, back to the positives. I think pregnancy suits me. I've had so many compliments since announcing it. My skin has cleared up amazingly & my hair is shinier. I also like wearing colours which I usually avoid. People keep telling me I look great (well most people, a few love to tell me I'm HUGE! And sorry, that's not really a compliment, but I refuse to feel offended when I'm so happy about it). I'm making the most of the next couple of months. I'm already getting sad about this baby leaving my body. I will miss feeling him/her inside me! Maybe ask me that again in another few weeks.. but for now it's true. I love being pregnant. I really do :)