Thanks to my new follower Julie for reminding me I haven't updated for a while!
It's been a pretty tumultuous couple of months. I've recovered well from the miscarriage but sadly we had a more terrible loss in the family. My dear 6 year old nephew passed away from Leukaemia. He had been ill for some time but seemed to be doing so well after a stem cell transplant. Unfortunately a few bad cells remained & he just couldn't recover. This is a horrendous blood cancer that doesn't discriminate. It claims too many precious lives in this world. Please forgive me for using this post as a forum to help raise awareness & much needed funds.
The best thing you can do to help is to go on the bone marrow donor list. In Australia you can enquire at your nearest Red Cross Blood Service office (more info at www.abmdr.com.au); it's a simple blood test to find your tissue type & you're on the register! Mothers can opt to donate their baby's cord blood at certain hospitals. You can also donate funds at: www.leukaemia.org.au in Australia. For those in the UK, please go to www.anthonynolan.org/ for more information. I'm sure there's appropriate charities & registers in other countries too. Unfortunately none of my family were a tissue match for my nephew but he did have a few matches through baby cord blood donations throughout Europe which helped extend his short life.
My family had to fly overseas to attend his funeral. Had I stayed pregnant I'm not sure I would have taken the risk of such a long series of flights. I'm so glad I went & had my chance not only to say goodbye, but also to support my immediate family during this emotional time. It was really important to them & me too. I've decided to be grateful for that chance. Whilst my miscarriage was terribly upsetting, it was nothing compared to the heartache my nephew's parents have gone through. I don't believe you can find any reasoning in a child losing his life so young, but I'm going to believe this is the reason my pregnancy wasn't successful.
We'll never get his life back but I look forward to providing my family with a reason to be joyful in the New Year. 2012 is going to be our Year of Hope & Happiness. I wish this for you too x
December 30, 2011
November 15, 2011
Update - 5wks post D&C
Thanks to my first ever commenter & follower for reminding me to post this update! Welcome Kate!!
So it's 5 and a half weeks since my D&C, after a suspected partial molar pregnancy, and all is going fairly well (as well as can be). We had our appointment with our FS last week & it appears my HCG has returned to negative i.e. I no longer have the nasty pregnancy hormone in my system, therefore I won't have to have any chemo & won't have to wait 6-12 months to try again. Whoop whoop!! He said normally he'd advise his patient to wait that time out, just in case, but he's fairly confident I'll be fine & said I'm not getting any younger (gee thanks).
As my levels returned to normal so quickly, and the fact that we did ICSI (one sperm injected into one egg), AND I never had any morning sickness whatsoever, I'm confused somewhat. This contradicts all the research I've read about molar pregnancies. I went into the Dr's office armed with a list of questions to that effect. He basically admitted the industry still knows very little about WHY molar pregnancies occur. He said the idea that it's caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg has since been debunked. But he still seemed pretty fixed on the diagnosis.
As I DID indeed fall pregnant, his confidence that we'll fall pregnant again is high. I'm also fairly confident, but not so confident now in the "normality" of future embryos. Apparently they can't pick this sort of stuff up at the lab stage. It's just a wait & see game.
One good concession I got out of the doc was that he'd consider implanting 2 embryos next time, depending on their quality. If we get a couple of "excellent" ones, he'll only put one back. But if there's a couple of average ones that might not survive freezing, he might consider adding them together. In the past we've only ever had one decent embryo left at the 5 day stage so it's never been an issue. But it's good to know he'll consider it.
So now to the BAD news - Christmas is coming, plus I have so much work travel booked over the summer that we just can't do a cycle! I'm so bummed!! I would love to start again in January but my schedule doesn't let up until March. Even then it's still busy, but at least I won't be travelling all over the countryside at that point.
My plan for now - eat, drink, be merry, have fun, forget babies (ha), remember life, love & .... try to enjoy my freedom.
Truth be told, I can't wait to be tied down by a little one x
So it's 5 and a half weeks since my D&C, after a suspected partial molar pregnancy, and all is going fairly well (as well as can be). We had our appointment with our FS last week & it appears my HCG has returned to negative i.e. I no longer have the nasty pregnancy hormone in my system, therefore I won't have to have any chemo & won't have to wait 6-12 months to try again. Whoop whoop!! He said normally he'd advise his patient to wait that time out, just in case, but he's fairly confident I'll be fine & said I'm not getting any younger (gee thanks).
As my levels returned to normal so quickly, and the fact that we did ICSI (one sperm injected into one egg), AND I never had any morning sickness whatsoever, I'm confused somewhat. This contradicts all the research I've read about molar pregnancies. I went into the Dr's office armed with a list of questions to that effect. He basically admitted the industry still knows very little about WHY molar pregnancies occur. He said the idea that it's caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg has since been debunked. But he still seemed pretty fixed on the diagnosis.
As I DID indeed fall pregnant, his confidence that we'll fall pregnant again is high. I'm also fairly confident, but not so confident now in the "normality" of future embryos. Apparently they can't pick this sort of stuff up at the lab stage. It's just a wait & see game.
One good concession I got out of the doc was that he'd consider implanting 2 embryos next time, depending on their quality. If we get a couple of "excellent" ones, he'll only put one back. But if there's a couple of average ones that might not survive freezing, he might consider adding them together. In the past we've only ever had one decent embryo left at the 5 day stage so it's never been an issue. But it's good to know he'll consider it.
So now to the BAD news - Christmas is coming, plus I have so much work travel booked over the summer that we just can't do a cycle! I'm so bummed!! I would love to start again in January but my schedule doesn't let up until March. Even then it's still busy, but at least I won't be travelling all over the countryside at that point.
My plan for now - eat, drink, be merry, have fun, forget babies (ha), remember life, love & .... try to enjoy my freedom.
Truth be told, I can't wait to be tied down by a little one x
October 15, 2011
Suspected Molar Pregnancy
The D&C went okay. It wasn't quite as traumatic as I'd feared, although it obviously wasn't pleasant. The clinic staff were so wonderful, they really looked after me. I was so glad I didn't go through the public hospital system. And so glad I could get through the whole experience so quickly.
I had quite a bit of pain when I woke up from the anaesthetic but my recovery nurse made sure I got enough medication to feel very little of it.
In a weird way, despite feeling obvious sadness, I also felt relief. I feel guilty for saying this but I was so relieved that it was over & I didn't have to worry about that bleeding & the fate of my baby anymore. I could finally start healing & move on. I did go through some grieving, and had a bit of a meltdown a few days after the procedure, but it didn't last long.
The meltdown was caused by a phonecall a couple of days later from my doctor. He told me the lab did some tests on the "tissue" (i.e. the baby) and found some "funny" cells. He said they think I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy. He said it was nothing to worry about but they would have to monitor me & do blood tests to make sure the HCG in my body was going down. After doing my own research, I've discovered that a Molar Pregnancy is caused by chromosomal problems resulting in abnormal cells. Usually a Partial MP is caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg, or double the amount of male chromosomes fertilising a blank egg. Not sure how this happened in ICSI, but there you go. If there's any of these cells left behind inside me they could spread, and I could end up having to get some mild chemotherapy. Hence the meltdown.
It's just over 1 week on from the D&C now and I'm doing better. I've yet to have my appointment with my doctor to discuss everything further and I have a lot of questions. Mainly I want to know when we can start trying again. I've read most women are told to wait 6 months after their HCG reaches zero, in a PMP. In a Complete Molar Pregnancy it's 12 months. This isn't good news. I'm already 36 years old. My darling partner is 51 next month. Six months is a lifetime to me right now.
But I'm going to enjoy life again & appreciate everything I've got. DP is confident we'll have a healthy baby soon. I'm trying to adopt his attitude. He's become the clucky one in the relationship whereas I'm more cautious & try to ignore babies. He's so lovely to me. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm going to concentrate on that for now & hope for a brighter future for us.
I hope anyone reading this who has been in the same situation can offer me some hope, or if anyone is going through such tough times right now can see that life does go on. And our time will come. It has to xx
I had quite a bit of pain when I woke up from the anaesthetic but my recovery nurse made sure I got enough medication to feel very little of it.
In a weird way, despite feeling obvious sadness, I also felt relief. I feel guilty for saying this but I was so relieved that it was over & I didn't have to worry about that bleeding & the fate of my baby anymore. I could finally start healing & move on. I did go through some grieving, and had a bit of a meltdown a few days after the procedure, but it didn't last long.
The meltdown was caused by a phonecall a couple of days later from my doctor. He told me the lab did some tests on the "tissue" (i.e. the baby) and found some "funny" cells. He said they think I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy. He said it was nothing to worry about but they would have to monitor me & do blood tests to make sure the HCG in my body was going down. After doing my own research, I've discovered that a Molar Pregnancy is caused by chromosomal problems resulting in abnormal cells. Usually a Partial MP is caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg, or double the amount of male chromosomes fertilising a blank egg. Not sure how this happened in ICSI, but there you go. If there's any of these cells left behind inside me they could spread, and I could end up having to get some mild chemotherapy. Hence the meltdown.
It's just over 1 week on from the D&C now and I'm doing better. I've yet to have my appointment with my doctor to discuss everything further and I have a lot of questions. Mainly I want to know when we can start trying again. I've read most women are told to wait 6 months after their HCG reaches zero, in a PMP. In a Complete Molar Pregnancy it's 12 months. This isn't good news. I'm already 36 years old. My darling partner is 51 next month. Six months is a lifetime to me right now.
But I'm going to enjoy life again & appreciate everything I've got. DP is confident we'll have a healthy baby soon. I'm trying to adopt his attitude. He's become the clucky one in the relationship whereas I'm more cautious & try to ignore babies. He's so lovely to me. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm going to concentrate on that for now & hope for a brighter future for us.
I hope anyone reading this who has been in the same situation can offer me some hope, or if anyone is going through such tough times right now can see that life does go on. And our time will come. It has to xx
October 6, 2011
It's Over... again.
It was bad news. The baby stopped growing & was only measuring 6w2d. There was no heartbeat.
My lovely FS got me booked in for a D&C tomorrow at the Day Surgery. All too soon we're back there again.. and not to put an embryo IN this time, to take one out.
I finally cried today on DH's shoulder. I still feel numb. One minute I'm fine like nothing happened, the next I'm so angry. But these things happen.
There's not much more to say.
I came across this quote today & I'm trying to live by it. It will be a struggle but it's all I can do.
"Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You don’t fail by falling down. You fail by never getting back up. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward."
My lovely FS got me booked in for a D&C tomorrow at the Day Surgery. All too soon we're back there again.. and not to put an embryo IN this time, to take one out.
I finally cried today on DH's shoulder. I still feel numb. One minute I'm fine like nothing happened, the next I'm so angry. But these things happen.
There's not much more to say.
I came across this quote today & I'm trying to live by it. It will be a struggle but it's all I can do.
"Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You don’t fail by falling down. You fail by never getting back up. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward."
October 4, 2011
9w4d update
So it's now been one and a half weeks of bleeding. I am going seriously insane. Just when I think it's tapering off & I'm getting a clear day - BAM!! I get a dark red bleed with clot. Awesome.
So, tomorrow is D-day. I'm going for a private scan. I'm so scared of what we'll see.. or not see, more to the point.
On the one hand I feel positive that I don't bleed heavy enough to hit a pad, and it's usually dark blood. But on the other hand I've read other women's accounts of their miscarriages, and some of theirs started this way too. I'm trying to be positive but I also want to be prepared for bad news. How exactly do you get prepared for this kind of news though??
I'm not religious at all, but I've been praying to.. whomever.. to please let me keep this baby, and please let him/her be healthy! I know I deserve to finally get my wish.. but it feels so far away now. This is out of anyone's hands.
Time for bed. I just hope I go to bed tomorrow night knowing my baby is still there, still going strong, and all's well in my little world. Goodnight... I hope!
So, tomorrow is D-day. I'm going for a private scan. I'm so scared of what we'll see.. or not see, more to the point.
On the one hand I feel positive that I don't bleed heavy enough to hit a pad, and it's usually dark blood. But on the other hand I've read other women's accounts of their miscarriages, and some of theirs started this way too. I'm trying to be positive but I also want to be prepared for bad news. How exactly do you get prepared for this kind of news though??
I'm not religious at all, but I've been praying to.. whomever.. to please let me keep this baby, and please let him/her be healthy! I know I deserve to finally get my wish.. but it feels so far away now. This is out of anyone's hands.
Time for bed. I just hope I go to bed tomorrow night knowing my baby is still there, still going strong, and all's well in my little world. Goodnight... I hope!
September 26, 2011
8w3d - Bleeding update (beware TMI)
I had an appointment with my GP today & she said the bleeding isn't a major concern. Ha! For who?! She said if it gets heavier, redder & with clots at the same time as abdominal pain then it could be bad news.
Just when I thought it was tapering off I had more on the TP today. And another small clot. It's still brown & darkish, not red. I came home from the docs a little more relieved but these latest episodes have darkened my mood all over again.
Doc said she's had patients who have bled through their whole pregnancy. But she also said no amount of scans would change the outcome & I just have to learn to accept fate. If it's going to end then that's just the way it is unfortunately. I have so much trouble letting go. I need control & knowledge. It's who I am. But I am going to have to find a way to relax & let nature do its thing. I just hope nature is going to be kind to me & my baby.
Just when I thought it was tapering off I had more on the TP today. And another small clot. It's still brown & darkish, not red. I came home from the docs a little more relieved but these latest episodes have darkened my mood all over again.
Doc said she's had patients who have bled through their whole pregnancy. But she also said no amount of scans would change the outcome & I just have to learn to accept fate. If it's going to end then that's just the way it is unfortunately. I have so much trouble letting go. I need control & knowledge. It's who I am. But I am going to have to find a way to relax & let nature do its thing. I just hope nature is going to be kind to me & my baby.
September 25, 2011
8w2d - Bleeding scare
I'm so scared. Yesterday I flew interstate for work, & I went to the toilet just before my busiest time. I wiped & there was brown discharge. It continued on & off through the evening & this morning. Today there was a dark brown stringy clot (sorry for TMI). It's the weekend. I have a check-up scheduled already with my GP tomorrow after an early work shift. Google is scaring me. Some positive outcomes but a lot of bad ones. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. This can't be happening. Please please please let my baby be ok. I've seen his heart beating. He's real. I can't let him go now!
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