I had my second blood test (beta) this morning & I'm currently in limbo, waiting to hear the result.
I'm not feeling too positive about it now. First thing this morning I took another HPT and the pregnancy line was lighter than yesterday afternoon's very dark one. The clinic nurse also didn't fill me with any hope. I guess I prefer people to be realistic with me & not fill me with false expectations. I double checked & my levels at 12dp5dt were HCG = 265, P4 = 31.
Of course my bleeding has stopped today. It was still quite heavy at times yesterday but today I'm only getting these weird brown flakes / specks in my urine. I can only guess it's remnants of tissue being expelled. I had some more cramps & abdominal pain yesterday too.. that's never good.
This journey is such a damn rollercoaster! I almost wish I hadn't had the first blood test & just went on with life thinking my period had come & we were unsuccessful this round. To be given hope again is just cruel.
I don't know whether this was a chemical pregnancy, blighted ovum, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy (again), a regular miscarriage, or one of those far-fetched miracle stories you hear about but never believe.
This two week wait (2ww) is into its third week.. still waiting..
February 16, 2015
February 15, 2015
Friday the 13th... lucky for some...
Sorry I haven't blogged since this cycle started.
But there's a fair bit if news to catch you up on.... A LOT of news!
So I was going to post earlier in the week about some possible symptoms, thinking that they'll be useful even if I get a BFN.. so I don't kid myself next cycle that they're pregnancy symptoms. For instance, since around 6dp5dt or 7dp5dt I started noticing a very strong sense of smell. I was also burping a lot, particularly when rolling over in bed. My skin was breaking out and I felt a bit "off". I started thinking about POAS soon but, of course, started spotting the evening of 8dp5dt. By the time I woke up the next day I was bleeding heavily. AF had arrived two days before my scheduled BT. I was gutted.
I started talking to hubby about quitting my job. It's highly stressful & I've been pretty fed up with it for some time. This was the last straw. I needed to feel like I was doing something to help our chances. I also started looking up fertility acupuncturists in our area. I'd never tried it for IVF support before, didn't really believe in it seeing as I'd fallen pregnant twice without it. Now was the time.
On Friday the 13th I had my BT appointment at the clinic at 9am. I thought about cancelling, but knew they'd make me come in anyway. What a pain. Such a waste of time. The nurse was sympathetic about my period coming.. I chatted about how I had some "symptoms" but turns out they were the result of the Crinone.. the sense of smell was just one of those false pregnancy symptoms it can cause. She said she'd never heard of that one.. that was new to her. I asked her to check my file & confirm what cycle we were up to as I'd lost count. She said nine. Seriously? 9?? I can't believe we've been so unsuccessful this time around! I told her I saw a new GP yesterday who suggested I give up & just "smell the roses" for my own sanity. I told them both I'm just not ready to give up. I still believe we have another child waiting for us. But that belief was waning. It's hard to stay strong when so many people think you should give up.
Anyway, fast forward to Friday afternoon. I'm at work, it's crazy busy, and the phone rings. I try to move to a quiet spot so I can take the call, as I know it's a nurse delivering my solemn news. She asks my date of birth, I tell her & then prepare to console her with "it's ok, I know it didn't work. Thanks anyway". But she just says "CONGRATULATIONS!"
I go quiet. I'm thinking it must be April Fool's Day.. or I misheard.. or she rang the wrong patient. I squeak "sorry???!" She repeats "congratulations". I think I say "why??!" She laughs & exclaims "you're pregnant!"
I stumble out the door, trying to find a private space to talk. I whisper "no, no, my period started. It's heavy, it's bright red". She insists I'm pregnant, but after a couple of minutes she starts to waver & decides to double check with the lab. Turns out someone else with my surname also had a blood test there the same day, it's a common name. She comes back, insisting it's definitely me. I'm shaking.. and laughing. I tell her this is hilarious & I'm a bit confused. She tells me stories of former patients who bled every month, right on time, right through their successful pregnancies. I've heard these stories too, but to be honest I put them down to urban myths. Crap women tell tell each other to give them false hope. I'm a realist. Don't boost me up if things are probably over. It only prolongs the agony.
But she insists my levels are good. HCG 247 at 12dp5dt & progesterone was ok too (can't remember the number) but she said it wasn't low enough to explain the bleeding. I tell her I stopped using Crinone a few days ago, so we decide I should start it again. She suggests we get another BT on Monday to check my levels again & compare. Thank god. I go home & manage to squeeze the tiniest drop of pee on my last HPT.. nothing happens for a while so I think I missed the stick & have to try again tomorrow. I look again 2 mins later & there's a VERY dark pregnancy line, and a faint control line.
So this is where I'm at - pregnant, but in limbo. I've had a lot of cramps & upper abdominal pain. The bleeding is still as heavy as a period. I have clots & blood-stained clumps of Crinone falling out. I don't know if there's any chance this pregnancy will progress, but I guess I feel hopeful because I was finally able to fall pregnant again. If this doesn't work out I will try again. I'm not giving up hope, no matter how many people think I should. Not yet.
There's still a chance.
But there's a fair bit if news to catch you up on.... A LOT of news!
So I was going to post earlier in the week about some possible symptoms, thinking that they'll be useful even if I get a BFN.. so I don't kid myself next cycle that they're pregnancy symptoms. For instance, since around 6dp5dt or 7dp5dt I started noticing a very strong sense of smell. I was also burping a lot, particularly when rolling over in bed. My skin was breaking out and I felt a bit "off". I started thinking about POAS soon but, of course, started spotting the evening of 8dp5dt. By the time I woke up the next day I was bleeding heavily. AF had arrived two days before my scheduled BT. I was gutted.
I started talking to hubby about quitting my job. It's highly stressful & I've been pretty fed up with it for some time. This was the last straw. I needed to feel like I was doing something to help our chances. I also started looking up fertility acupuncturists in our area. I'd never tried it for IVF support before, didn't really believe in it seeing as I'd fallen pregnant twice without it. Now was the time.
On Friday the 13th I had my BT appointment at the clinic at 9am. I thought about cancelling, but knew they'd make me come in anyway. What a pain. Such a waste of time. The nurse was sympathetic about my period coming.. I chatted about how I had some "symptoms" but turns out they were the result of the Crinone.. the sense of smell was just one of those false pregnancy symptoms it can cause. She said she'd never heard of that one.. that was new to her. I asked her to check my file & confirm what cycle we were up to as I'd lost count. She said nine. Seriously? 9?? I can't believe we've been so unsuccessful this time around! I told her I saw a new GP yesterday who suggested I give up & just "smell the roses" for my own sanity. I told them both I'm just not ready to give up. I still believe we have another child waiting for us. But that belief was waning. It's hard to stay strong when so many people think you should give up.
Anyway, fast forward to Friday afternoon. I'm at work, it's crazy busy, and the phone rings. I try to move to a quiet spot so I can take the call, as I know it's a nurse delivering my solemn news. She asks my date of birth, I tell her & then prepare to console her with "it's ok, I know it didn't work. Thanks anyway". But she just says "CONGRATULATIONS!"
I go quiet. I'm thinking it must be April Fool's Day.. or I misheard.. or she rang the wrong patient. I squeak "sorry???!" She repeats "congratulations". I think I say "why??!" She laughs & exclaims "you're pregnant!"
I stumble out the door, trying to find a private space to talk. I whisper "no, no, my period started. It's heavy, it's bright red". She insists I'm pregnant, but after a couple of minutes she starts to waver & decides to double check with the lab. Turns out someone else with my surname also had a blood test there the same day, it's a common name. She comes back, insisting it's definitely me. I'm shaking.. and laughing. I tell her this is hilarious & I'm a bit confused. She tells me stories of former patients who bled every month, right on time, right through their successful pregnancies. I've heard these stories too, but to be honest I put them down to urban myths. Crap women tell tell each other to give them false hope. I'm a realist. Don't boost me up if things are probably over. It only prolongs the agony.
But she insists my levels are good. HCG 247 at 12dp5dt & progesterone was ok too (can't remember the number) but she said it wasn't low enough to explain the bleeding. I tell her I stopped using Crinone a few days ago, so we decide I should start it again. She suggests we get another BT on Monday to check my levels again & compare. Thank god. I go home & manage to squeeze the tiniest drop of pee on my last HPT.. nothing happens for a while so I think I missed the stick & have to try again tomorrow. I look again 2 mins later & there's a VERY dark pregnancy line, and a faint control line.
So this is where I'm at - pregnant, but in limbo. I've had a lot of cramps & upper abdominal pain. The bleeding is still as heavy as a period. I have clots & blood-stained clumps of Crinone falling out. I don't know if there's any chance this pregnancy will progress, but I guess I feel hopeful because I was finally able to fall pregnant again. If this doesn't work out I will try again. I'm not giving up hope, no matter how many people think I should. Not yet.
There's still a chance.
January 18, 2015
Here we go again.. cycle #7
Well, here we are again.
I just stared at those words for a while.. unsure what to say next, and in genuine disbelief that we are still aboard the IVF rollercoaster.
We have now had 4 full stim cycles & 2 frozen embryo transfers for baby number 2 over the course of 12 months. But here we are again. Embarking upon cycle number 7 (another full stim ICSI cycle using frozen sperm this time). Our beautiful son (now 2.2yrs) only took 3 cycles. I fell pregnant on cycle number 2 but we lost that one at 10weeks (molar pregnancy). I felt, and still do feel, very lucky. But somehow I also felt, I guess, cocky. I was able to fall pregnant 2 out of 3 times. Surely those odds meant we would have no trouble conceiving again?! Boy was I wrong!!!
Firstly, apologies to anyone who has been trying way longer than us, and who has experienced more hardship & pain along the way. I know there are a lot of you out there. I read a lot of your blogs & see your posts in forums. I've cried for you. So I know I am very fortunate. But I don't feel my family is complete. I desperately want to give my son a sibling, especially as we are much older parents. He shouldn't be burdened with elderly parents on his own, and he should be able to reminisce about his childhood with someone who was there. My brothers & I have this luxury. I want him to have that too.
I'm giving us 6 months to see what happens.
So, here we go again.
I just stared at those words for a while.. unsure what to say next, and in genuine disbelief that we are still aboard the IVF rollercoaster.
We have now had 4 full stim cycles & 2 frozen embryo transfers for baby number 2 over the course of 12 months. But here we are again. Embarking upon cycle number 7 (another full stim ICSI cycle using frozen sperm this time). Our beautiful son (now 2.2yrs) only took 3 cycles. I fell pregnant on cycle number 2 but we lost that one at 10weeks (molar pregnancy). I felt, and still do feel, very lucky. But somehow I also felt, I guess, cocky. I was able to fall pregnant 2 out of 3 times. Surely those odds meant we would have no trouble conceiving again?! Boy was I wrong!!!
Firstly, apologies to anyone who has been trying way longer than us, and who has experienced more hardship & pain along the way. I know there are a lot of you out there. I read a lot of your blogs & see your posts in forums. I've cried for you. So I know I am very fortunate. But I don't feel my family is complete. I desperately want to give my son a sibling, especially as we are much older parents. He shouldn't be burdened with elderly parents on his own, and he should be able to reminisce about his childhood with someone who was there. My brothers & I have this luxury. I want him to have that too.
I'm giving us 6 months to see what happens.
So, here we go again.
November 12, 2014
Long time no write
Hi folks,
Sorry I've been MIA for a couple of months!
I've tried to take a break from overthinking things.. so no blogging, & no reading forums on IVF.
I have to say it's helped my mental state a little.
So here's an update:
We've so far had three unsuccessful full stim cycles for baby number two.
For the last one we decided to go for fresh sperm again rather than using the frozen stuff.
This meant poor DH had to undergo another TESE op (& it was a bit more invasive this time due to a different surgeon's technique, & the fact DH is now on blood thinners for his heart condition). He's thankfully all good now though.
Annoyingly, we only found out just after my EC that they were doing a "freeze all" this cycle due to my elevated progesterone levels (someone was meant to have told me earlier, just like we were meant to be told our usual FS wasn't doing the TESE, therefore it wouldn't be the "minor" procedure promised to us... not happy Jan!).
So, here we are about day 11 of our frozen cycle (hopefully). We had 7 eggs retrieved last cycle, of which 2 survived to day 5 & were frozen. I always wished we could have some frosties, now I get my wish.. but not quite the way we planned!
It feels weird to not be busily injecting during a cycle, like something's missing, but it's awesome. I'm not bloated, & I feel more like myself. Hopefully this is a better place to start from.
Sorry I've been MIA for a couple of months!
I've tried to take a break from overthinking things.. so no blogging, & no reading forums on IVF.
I have to say it's helped my mental state a little.
So here's an update:
We've so far had three unsuccessful full stim cycles for baby number two.
For the last one we decided to go for fresh sperm again rather than using the frozen stuff.
This meant poor DH had to undergo another TESE op (& it was a bit more invasive this time due to a different surgeon's technique, & the fact DH is now on blood thinners for his heart condition). He's thankfully all good now though.
Annoyingly, we only found out just after my EC that they were doing a "freeze all" this cycle due to my elevated progesterone levels (someone was meant to have told me earlier, just like we were meant to be told our usual FS wasn't doing the TESE, therefore it wouldn't be the "minor" procedure promised to us... not happy Jan!).
So, here we are about day 11 of our frozen cycle (hopefully). We had 7 eggs retrieved last cycle, of which 2 survived to day 5 & were frozen. I always wished we could have some frosties, now I get my wish.. but not quite the way we planned!
It feels weird to not be busily injecting during a cycle, like something's missing, but it's awesome. I'm not bloated, & I feel more like myself. Hopefully this is a better place to start from.
September 1, 2014
ICSI #5 - PUPO positivity
Our embryo transfer was this morning. I had to bring darling toddler in with me as DP was working, daycare wasn't open yet & we have no family in the state. I initially freaked out when I was given the time of the transfer but the clinic assured me it would be ok to bring DS in with me. And it was. I put the blue hat on him & shoe covers over his boots. There was no point trying to put one of the adult sized gowns on him - he would have drowned in it! He brought his iPhone in & sat on the chair next to me. He's such a good boy. I'm so incredibly lucky! :)
I showered with antibacterial soap earlier (I use it on my face for acne & it was less perfumed than my regular shower gel). I didn't get a chance to wash DS as I had to wake him & then hurriedly dress him to go to the clinic. I put a tiny bit of concealer on my pimples but didn't wear makeup, deoderant or perfume.
The procedure was straight forward. FS said we had one beautifully hatching blastocyst to transfer but the only other surviving embryo was at early morula stage. They'll keep an eye on it but he said it would have to get its act together today to be any good to freeze. Yep. Story of our lives. Fifth cycle & fifth time we've only had one decent embryo on transfer day. But yes, it does only take one & DS is proof of that! He was also a hatching blastocyst so I'm fairy pretty positive.
Now for the 2ww. Fingers crossed the crinone doesn't send me insane (again). I'm going to "try" not to google every symptom as I know they can also be side effects of the progesterone or just in my head. I still don't know what the answer is to getting through this time.. except maybe staying busy. Which is a goid thing, as I'm off to work this afternoon! Right now I'm lazing on the couch watching tv, considering going to bed for a quick nap, then I'll have to pick DS up from daycare. I'm missing him but trying to enjoy the rest.
I showered with antibacterial soap earlier (I use it on my face for acne & it was less perfumed than my regular shower gel). I didn't get a chance to wash DS as I had to wake him & then hurriedly dress him to go to the clinic. I put a tiny bit of concealer on my pimples but didn't wear makeup, deoderant or perfume.
The procedure was straight forward. FS said we had one beautifully hatching blastocyst to transfer but the only other surviving embryo was at early morula stage. They'll keep an eye on it but he said it would have to get its act together today to be any good to freeze. Yep. Story of our lives. Fifth cycle & fifth time we've only had one decent embryo on transfer day. But yes, it does only take one & DS is proof of that! He was also a hatching blastocyst so I'm fairy pretty positive.
Now for the 2ww. Fingers crossed the crinone doesn't send me insane (again). I'm going to "try" not to google every symptom as I know they can also be side effects of the progesterone or just in my head. I still don't know what the answer is to getting through this time.. except maybe staying busy. Which is a goid thing, as I'm off to work this afternoon! Right now I'm lazing on the couch watching tv, considering going to bed for a quick nap, then I'll have to pick DS up from daycare. I'm missing him but trying to enjoy the rest.
August 28, 2014
ICSI #5 - Easy EPU
So yesterday I had my egg collection. No big deal, been there done that. Although I have to say I wasn't happy with the nurse this time - when I got up on the operating table & they asked me to put my legs up in the stirrups she lifted my gown up onto my belly so my bits were hanging out in the breeze! I mean I know they will be when they start the collection but usually they wait until I'm knocked out to do that! Can't a girl feel like she's retaining SOME dignity??!
After going home I wasn't in too much pain, just a tiny bit tender in the abdomen. I didn't need any pain relief so it can't have been too bad. I guess that's probably because they only had to poke around for four eggs this time! In my first three cycles where I averaged 10 eggs I was a bit more sore. I woukd take the extra pain if it meant I had more eggs. But alas..
The lab just called with an update & out of the four eggs collected only three were mature & therefore injected. And out of those three only two have fertilised. It's pretty rubbish but that's life. I'm not losing hope yet. I started feeling clucky this week, the first time since having my toddler, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I'm really ready for success now. I'm truly open to a new little one entering our lives & filling us with more love! Bring it on please Universe!!
After going home I wasn't in too much pain, just a tiny bit tender in the abdomen. I didn't need any pain relief so it can't have been too bad. I guess that's probably because they only had to poke around for four eggs this time! In my first three cycles where I averaged 10 eggs I was a bit more sore. I woukd take the extra pain if it meant I had more eggs. But alas..
The lab just called with an update & out of the four eggs collected only three were mature & therefore injected. And out of those three only two have fertilised. It's pretty rubbish but that's life. I'm not losing hope yet. I started feeling clucky this week, the first time since having my toddler, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I'm really ready for success now. I'm truly open to a new little one entering our lives & filling us with more love! Bring it on please Universe!!
August 26, 2014
ICSI #5 - Trigger night tension
Gearing up for yet another EPU (Egg Pick Up or Egg Collection) tomorrow.
I got the call yesterday afternoon with all the details about my trigger and hospital admission but unfortunately I was on-air (working in the control room of television news) at the time and missed the call. I realised it was about 4.40pm so I called back to ask if I could speak to someone after 5.30pm as that’s when I’d be free, but nope – they were only available until 5pm! So I had to speak to someone whilst we were on-air.. absolutely nightmare! I was trying to count & animate graphics & concentrate on my job at the same time as listening to a nurse give me important details & jot them down! I felt so rude that I had to keep asking her to wait a second, then get her to repeat what she just said. Then she kept asking me to repeat the details back to her because she was concerned I wasn’t taking it all in. It was very hard to talk back as I was trying not to let my colleagues hear what I was saying as they don’t know I’m doing IVF again. Ugh. I couldn’t call back in the morning as I needed to inject the trigger that night & they wouldn’t leave details on my voicemail.
So after all that, I had a minor panic last night because I was unsure I’d heard the nurse right. She told me to trigger at 9.40pm but not to inject Gonal-f anymore. Then when she asked me what time I usually inject the Orgalutran, 10.15pm, I’m pretty sure she said “you may as well have that at your normal time too”. Of course when I got home after 7.30pm I started to think about it. I’m “pretty” sure they’ve always instructed me to do the trigger at night & not to inject anything else that day. I tried googling things like “trigger and orgalutran” and “last orgalutran before trigger” but nothing was that clear. My interpretation was that the orgalutran shouldn’t be taken close to, and especially AFTER” the trigger injection. I posted the question on an IVF support page on Facebook & one lady responded. She suggested I ring the clinic’s after hours number but she also thought I shouldn’t do the orgalutran again. I rang the clinic and the machine’s message said the after hours specialist was available between 5pm and 10pm. By this stage it was10.45pm. I rang & got voicemail. Starting to stress out a bit at this point I decided to send a text. Straight away the Dr called back & was rather abrupt (I guess I woke him up!). He basically said there’s no point doing the Orgalutran as it won’t stop ovulation after the trigger. So I felt better. But since then I’ve started stressing about ovulating! Did he mean I should have taken it BEFORE the trigger?! What if I ovulate before tomorrow morning? I just went to the loo at work and (TMI warning) had a lot of CM. As a 5-cycle veteran of this process you’d think I’d know what the hell I’m doing by now! That’s why I’m blogging this extremely boring post – so I can refer back to it next time & hopefully avoid the anxiety! Ha.
Right. I’ll be finished work in about half an hour (10.30pm) then it’s off home to quickly pig out and drink a gallon of water before I have to start fasting at midnight. I have to be at the hospital at 8.10am tomorrow. DP will bring DS and then drop him off at daycare at 8.30am before coming back. He’s on standby once again in case the frozen sperm doesn’t defrost well. At least our usual Dr (FS) should be performing the op tomorrow – last time he was away so there wasn’t anyone familiar in the operating theatre. So that’s a plus & makes me feel a bit better. Only 3 big eggs appeared in the ultrasound so looks like we’re working with small numbers again. It’s like déjà vu. Only this time we’ll be successful ;-)
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