March 1, 2016

Insanity + ET

This morning I had one early blastocyst transferred.

The other embryo was still at the 8-cell stage so it hadn't progressed since day 3. Of course they gave me the usual "oh we'll watch & see if it catches up overnight" but I know this never EVER happens. At least not for us.

So here we are again, PUPO, and hanging all our hope on one tiny ball of cells.

From the moment I was told we only had one to transfer, and that it was just barely a blast, I've been down. I'm just not feeling it. I know I should be positive and optimistic.. but I'm struggling.

Actually last night it suddenly dawned on me that hubby will be 60 in less than five years. Holy crap! All this time he's been telling me he feels bad about potentionally not being around to see our kids grow up & I've dismissed it. I thought he's young at heart so it'll all be fine, because I just wanted another child so bad... but seriously, this guy has heart disease. I almost lost him when our son was just 9 months old. His condition is under control with medication but you just never know. Plus having another child would place extra stress on both of us.. Perhaps I really am being selfish. Perhaps this second baby isn't happening for us because it's just not meant to, for good reason.

I think this could really be our last roll of the dice. Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? I think the definition of insanity is me.

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