Here we go again.. cycle #7

Well, here we are again.


I just stared at those words for a while.. unsure what to say next, and in genuine disbelief that we are still aboard the IVF rollercoaster.

We have now had 4 full stim cycles & 2 frozen embryo transfers for baby number 2 over the course of 12 months. But here we are again. Embarking upon cycle number 7 (another full stim ICSI cycle using frozen sperm this time). Our beautiful son (now 2.2yrs) only took 3 cycles. I fell pregnant on cycle number 2 but we lost that one at 10weeks (molar pregnancy). I felt, and still do feel, very lucky. But somehow I also felt, I guess, cocky. I was able to fall pregnant 2 out of 3 times. Surely those odds meant we would have no trouble conceiving again?! Boy was I wrong!!!

Firstly, apologies to anyone who has been trying way longer than us, and who has experienced more hardship & pain along the way. I know there are a lot of you out there. I read a lot of your blogs & see your posts in forums. I've cried for you. So I know I am very fortunate. But I don't feel my family is complete. I desperately want to give my son a sibling, especially as we are much older parents. He shouldn't be burdened with elderly parents on his own, and he should be able to reminisce about his childhood with someone who was there. My brothers & I have this luxury. I want him to have that too.

I'm giving us 6 months to see what happens.

So, here we go again.

Long time no write

Hi folks,
Sorry I've been MIA for a couple of months!
I've tried to take a break from overthinking things.. so no blogging, & no reading forums on IVF.
I have to say it's helped my mental state a little.

So here's an update:
We've so far had three unsuccessful full stim cycles for baby number two.
For the last one we decided to go for fresh sperm again rather than using the frozen stuff.
This meant poor DH had to undergo another TESE op (& it was a bit more invasive this time due to a different surgeon's technique, & the fact DH is now on blood thinners for his heart condition). He's thankfully all good now though.
Annoyingly, we only found out just after my EC that they were doing a "freeze all" this cycle due to my elevated progesterone levels (someone was meant to have told me earlier, just like we were meant to be told our usual FS wasn't doing the TESE, therefore it wouldn't be the "minor" procedure promised to us... not happy Jan!).

So, here we are about day 11 of our frozen cycle (hopefully). We had 7 eggs retrieved last cycle, of which 2 survived to day 5 & were frozen. I always wished we could have some frosties, now I get my wish.. but not quite the way we planned!

It feels weird to not be busily injecting during a cycle, like something's missing, but it's awesome. I'm not bloated, & I feel more like myself. Hopefully this is a better place to start from.

ICSI #5 - PUPO positivity

Our embryo transfer was this morning. I had to bring darling toddler in with me as DP was working, daycare wasn't open yet & we have no family in the state. I initially freaked out when I was given the time of the transfer but the clinic assured me it would be ok to bring DS in with me. And it was. I put the blue hat on him & shoe covers over his boots. There was no point trying to put one of the adult sized gowns on him - he would have drowned in it! He brought his iPhone in & sat on the chair next to me. He's such a good boy. I'm so incredibly lucky! :)

I showered with antibacterial soap earlier (I use it on my face for acne & it was less perfumed than my regular shower gel). I didn't get a chance to wash DS as I had to wake him & then hurriedly dress him to go to the clinic. I put a tiny bit of concealer on my pimples but didn't wear makeup, deoderant or perfume.

The procedure was straight forward. FS said we had one beautifully hatching blastocyst to transfer but the only other surviving embryo was at early morula stage. They'll keep an eye on it but he said it would have to get its act together today to be any good to freeze. Yep. Story of our lives. Fifth cycle & fifth time we've only had one decent embryo on transfer day. But yes, it does only take one & DS is proof of that! He was also a hatching blastocyst so I'm fairy pretty positive.

Now for the 2ww. Fingers crossed the crinone doesn't send me insane (again). I'm going to "try" not to google every symptom as I know they can also be side effects of the progesterone or just in my head. I still don't know what the answer is to getting through this time.. except maybe staying busy. Which is a goid thing, as I'm off to work this afternoon! Right now I'm lazing on the couch watching tv, considering going to bed for a quick nap, then I'll have to pick DS up from daycare. I'm missing him but trying to enjoy the rest.

ICSI #5 - Easy EPU

So yesterday I had my egg collection. No big deal, been there done that. Although I have to say I wasn't happy with the nurse this time - when I got up on the operating table & they asked me to put my legs up in the stirrups she lifted my gown up onto my belly so my bits were hanging out in the breeze! I mean I know they will be when they start the collection but usually they wait until I'm knocked out to do that! Can't a girl feel like she's retaining SOME dignity??!

After going home I wasn't in too much pain, just a tiny bit tender in the abdomen. I didn't need any pain relief so it can't have been too bad. I guess that's probably because they only had to poke around for four eggs this time! In my first three cycles where I averaged 10 eggs I was a bit more sore. I woukd take the extra pain if it meant I had more eggs. But alas..

The lab just called with an update & out of the four eggs collected only three were mature & therefore injected. And out of those three only two have fertilised. It's pretty rubbish but that's life. I'm not losing hope yet. I started feeling clucky this week, the first time since having my toddler, so I'm taking that as a good sign. I'm really ready for success now. I'm truly open to a new little one entering our lives & filling us with more love! Bring it on please Universe!!

ICSI #5 - Trigger night tension

Gearing up for yet another EPU (Egg Pick Up or Egg Collection) tomorrow.

I got the call yesterday afternoon with all the details about my trigger and hospital admission but unfortunately I was on-air (working in the control room of television news) at the time and missed the call. I realised it was about 4.40pm so I called back to ask if I could speak to someone after 5.30pm as that’s when I’d be free, but nope – they were only available until 5pm! So I had to speak to someone whilst we were on-air.. absolutely nightmare! I was trying to count & animate graphics & concentrate on my job at the same time as listening to a nurse give me important details & jot them down! I felt so rude that I had to keep asking her to wait a second, then get her to repeat what she just said. Then she kept asking me to repeat the details back to her because she was concerned I wasn’t taking it all in. It was very hard to talk back as I was trying not to let my colleagues hear what I was saying as they don’t know I’m doing IVF again. Ugh. I couldn’t call back in the morning as I needed to inject the trigger that night & they wouldn’t leave details on my voicemail.

So after all that, I had a minor panic last night because I was unsure I’d heard the nurse right. She told me to trigger at 9.40pm but not to inject Gonal-f anymore. Then when she asked me what time I usually inject the Orgalutran, 10.15pm, I’m pretty sure she said “you may as well have that at your normal time too”. Of course when I got home after 7.30pm I started to think about it. I’m “pretty” sure they’ve always instructed me to do the trigger at night & not to inject anything else that day. I tried googling things like “trigger and orgalutran” and “last orgalutran before trigger” but nothing was that clear. My interpretation was that the orgalutran shouldn’t be taken close to, and especially AFTER” the trigger injection. I posted the question on an IVF support page on Facebook & one lady responded. She suggested I ring the clinic’s after hours number but she also thought I shouldn’t do the orgalutran again. I rang the clinic and the machine’s message said the after hours specialist was available between 5pm and 10pm. By this stage it was10.45pm. I rang & got voicemail. Starting to stress out a bit at this point I decided to send a text. Straight away the Dr called back & was rather abrupt (I guess I woke him up!). He basically said there’s no point doing the Orgalutran as it won’t stop ovulation after the trigger. So I felt better. But since then I’ve started stressing about ovulating! Did he mean I should have taken it BEFORE the trigger?!  What if I ovulate before tomorrow morning? I just went to the loo at work and (TMI warning) had a lot of CM. As a 5-cycle veteran of this process you’d think I’d know what the hell I’m doing by now! That’s why I’m blogging this extremely boring post – so I can refer back to it next time & hopefully avoid the anxiety! Ha.

Right. I’ll be finished work in about half an hour (10.30pm) then it’s off home to quickly pig out and drink a gallon of water before I have to start fasting at midnight. I have to be at the hospital at 8.10am tomorrow. DP will bring DS and then drop him off at daycare at 8.30am before coming back. He’s on standby once again in case the frozen sperm doesn’t defrost well. At least our usual Dr (FS) should be performing the op tomorrow – last time he was away so there wasn’t anyone familiar in the operating theatre. So that’s a plus & makes me feel a bit better. Only 3 big eggs appeared in the ultrasound so looks like we’re working with small numbers again. It’s like déjà vu. Only this time we’ll be successful ;-)

ICSI #5 - Crazy shit. Day 2.

So, again on a whim, I decided to do another cycle this month. Next month will be busy at work and I just found out the Australian Government is increasing the Medicare Safety Net threshold from January next year (2015) which means our out of pocket expenses will increase. So the more cycles I can fit in before then the better. If this one doesn't work I'll probably do one more before Christmas. Probably.

I don't know how I do it, but crazy shit always seems to happen when I start a cycle. First clinic appoint - car battery dead. Running late. Garage key missing. Can't get other car out. Toddler running rampant. Hubby rings right then. Abuse hubby. Blame hubby for lost key & flat battery. Run back upstairs dragging narky toddler behind. Go ballistic. Crack the shits. Find the key in handbag.

Ring clinic. Tell them we'll be late. Back downstairs. Open garage. Buckle poor squirming toddler into car. Take off. 10 minutes late, but all fine at clinic.

Bad mummy & wifey moment. Probably won't be the last.


So last night was my first injection. As per every other cycle, I stress about the time I pick for injections. It has to be the same time every night and has to fit into a break time during my erratic shifts. I study my roster & decide upon 10.15pm this month. But last night, I was still flat out as my alarm went off... in a room full of colleagues, and no escape. As soon as we finished, I bolted to the loo so I could inject. But of course a colleague was walking out with me and insisted upon waiting outside the door.. with other colleagues.. and many members of the public walking by. I could hear their conversations from inside, and hoped to God they couldn't hear me LOUDLY unravelling the plastic bags and opening the plastic container with Gonal-F pen and ice block in. Hands shaking, I rigged the pen & I stabbed my tummy in a panic. Of course blood started pooling on my belly & OF COURSE I was wearing white! Stuffing paper towel under my top I hurriedly packed everything away, again LOUDLY, flushed the loo, washing my hands & dashed out. I'm sure I took WAY longer than the duration of a pee, but they didn't say anything. God how embarrassing! They probably thought I was having issues from dinner or unwrapping sanitary pads or something. Ugh.

To top all that off, the killer headache kicked in first thing this morning. Ah yes, I remember you. And you SUCK! Panadol is not helping. I'm drinking as much water as I can to no avail. This bit really blows. Actually all of it blows, who am I kidding?

My boss has kindly agreed to rework my roster to avoid my calculated Egg Collection date (cycle day 14), but this is MY rough calculation based on previous cycles, and is no guarantee. So this still doesn't alleviate my stress in trying to cause little impact on the rest of my department. My boss & I had discussed taking a week or two off around the collection date this time but that hasn't panned out. My dear & much loved Nan passed away a couple of weeks ago so I had to take time off to travel interstate. If I took time off now it would look too suss and raise too many questions. Maybe next time. I hope my new Angel up there can pull some strings and ensure there doesn't need to be a next time.

I'm just so so immensely grateful I have my beautiful and happy little boy, so I know I am infinitely blessed... but it still feels so unfair to have to face this horrendous journey again to complete our family. Why any of us should have to go through this infertility garbage I'll never understand. But at least I have been, and still am able to use IVF. I know I'm lucky, really.

ICSI #4 - All Over

Just woke up & AF came with a vengance.

I feel defeated.