Hope is hard (1dpEPU)

Yesterday I was on such a high..

I had my EPU and, despite a little cramping, was feeling pretty good afterwards. I was buoyed by the fact that we had 9 eggs collected this round! This was awesome news and more than we'd had collected the last few rounds. The scientist called me that afternoon to say, of the 9 eggs, 7 were mature enough to inject.

Then today happened.

DH & I had a rare day off together with our toddler and it was a beautifully sunny, albeit crisp day. We decided to use some vouchers we had to go the Powerhouse Museum and let DS check out the Wiggles exhibition. He's had a lingering cold which seemed to flare up a bit today but he still enjoyed it. He ran around looking at all the old steam trains and old planes on display and absolute loved those. We had just headed back into the Wiggles section for a last look when I had a call from the Bump lab. I had to move outside as the music was too loud to hear.

The scientist said he was going to upload the information about our embryos on the portal (online webpage) shortly, but wanted to chat to me briefly about it first. It was ominous. He didn't sound positive. I always try to get a feel for the sound of the scientists' voices straight away when they call me with updates... and I could tell this wasn't one of those "good news" days.

He went through the fact that we had 9 collected, and that 7 were subsequently injected. He went over the fact that they had a bit of trouble finding suitable sperm during DH's testicular extraction, but eventually did find some that were "twitching". Apparently the fact that the quality of the sperm wasn't great, and some of my eggs were abnormal or also just not great quality, only 2 fertilised.

Two. On day one.

He could tell I was disappointed (duh) so started babbling on about how they don't check on them for a while now and that I'm booked in for my transfer on Friday afternoon and to get there about 15 mins earlier than my allocated time blah blah blah.... unless they need to contact me before then.

Yep. There's a very real chance we won't have anything to transfer. This has never happened in 12 cycles. How did things get so crap so fast? And how did DH's & my "gametes" age so bloody quickly???!!! It's only been 3.5 years since we conceived DS. Was he really our last chance? Will I never feel those amazing cartwheels in my belly again? Will I never get the chance to use the knowledge I gained during those long and delirious nights with DS and do a better job? I thought I'd just be so grateful to have him (which I am) and be ok with only having one. But I'm not. Not yet.

This "hope" thing is hard.