I've been debating with myself about whether to post my "birth story" on here. It wasn't exactly the experience I'd hoped for (read: horrendous!) and I think I've come to the conclusion that this isn't the place for such a story. I created this blog for my own sanity but also for those going through the insane journey that is IVF. In the end, it had the most amazing outcome and I'm so happy.
Up until about a month after the birth, I couldn't believe any woman would willingly go through it twice, but 2.5 months on... I'm sooooo in love with this little boy that I'm softening on the idea. My hospital stay was grueling and I definitely didn't feel myself but... it's labour! I don't know what I was expecting! I also felt a little disconnected from the situation. I think after everything I'd been through (both the 12 years of trying and the 27hrs of labour) I was numb. It didn't feel like it was happening to me. I stared at this little creature in my arms and couldn't quite comprehend that he was here and he was mine. I don't think I was exactly "depressed" as I did feel maternal towards him and thrilled he was here and healthy, but I also wasn't quite right. I can see that now. I just couldn't connect with my emotions and feel the way I knew I was meant to feel.
I don't want to scare anyone or imply it's less than amazing.. I just want to be honest about my experience. And to let anyone else going through the same thing know that, for me, it was short-lived and you will get through it. 10 weeks on, I am finally seeing through the fog and am blissfully loving life as a mummy. I look at this angel in my arms now and feel every emotion possible that it's overwhelming. But mostly love. So much love!
Overall, knowing what I know now, I would embark upon this journey again in a heartbeat! Wouldn't hesitate. It's just soooo worth it! It's all a blur now though.. all the little details that I obsessed about every minute of the day.. the needles, the appointments, the tests, the phone calls, the worries, the anticipation, the disappointments, the crushing blows.. and so many things I can't even remember - they're all so insignificant now in the scheme of things. They were just little hurdles along the way to my destiny. And the miscarriage? I actually feel the same way.. it was just a hurdle. It was unfortunate, and definitely not a piece of cake, but it happened and we got through it. That one wasn't meant to be. Now we have our REAL miracle:
xx
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI was reading my blog and somehow came across your comment to my post.
You wrote:
"Hi,
I'm currently waiting for my 2nd embryo transfer. I just can't imagine my life without children."
August 12, 2011 at 8:06 AM"
I decided to check you out and here you are with a baby! Congratulations!
The fog: you know thank you for being so honest. I can honestly tell you I fell into the deepest depression after having my twins and I do believe that women who undergo fertility treatments are more prone to it. Emotions are based on your hormones and are responsible;e for chemical balance of your brain. After grueling hormone protocols and then pregnancy, there must be some type of a "crash" with our hormonal system. Everyone talks about how hard menopause is when hormones change but no one talks about fertility-pregnancy-birth. Also, I think after trying and trying and trying to have a baby, and the you have one, it's almost like the mental "end" and you question what's next. It took me almost a year to be me again. It's hard specially since people that knew you were trying ask 'So are you so so thrilled"? and yes you are but it almost seems like since you tried so hard you are not allowed to have challenges of being a mom since "Isn't this what you wanted so bad?" It is the best thing that ever happened to me but the first year was hard. Give yourself a break and know that THIS TOO SHALL PASS. Best wishes.
Wow Kat! You've nailed it - thank you for being so succinct! I second everything you said. The guilt I felt for not being blissfully happy from the day Tyler was born was huge!! I was always inwardly critical of others for complaining about motherhood... but it's tough. And as you said - it passes. I'm more in love with him now than when I wrote that last post :) xx
ReplyDelete