5dp5dt ramblings

(I actually had to check what day I was up to on this 2ww - crazy!)

So MAJOR meltdown today. I just had THE most stressful day at work (and I have many in my job, they come with the territory) but today was pretty bad. And yesterday was a doozy too. I feel like I'm killing my embryo. It's making me super cranky.. like the bitch from Hell!!

I lost it at poor DP tonight because he finished the milk (my special organic milk) and didn't replace it. He ended up going out at 10.30pm to buy some more. I'm such a cow (which incidentally would be handy if I could produce my own milk!).

So I decided to chuck a sickie tomorrow. Normally I would feel hugely guilty cos my colleagues then have to pick up the slack & we're already short-staffed. But I really feel like I have to do this for myself & my potential baby... if it's still in there. My GP has offered a few times to write me a certificate if I feel like I need time off from work. But I've never taken her up on it due to the guilt factor. Now I definitely need to take a "sanity" day & chill out.

Unfortunately we've got a rent inspection tomorrow morning (!) so I've spent the evening (after my nightmare shift) on my hands & knees scrubbing floors & bathroom tiles with bleach. I lost it big time again because the sponge fell off the mop while I was trying to scrub, and cos I was using chemicals which is BAAAADDD! Now I really feel genuinely sick. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it but these smells are really getting to me & making me a bit nauseous. I also got quite short of breath at work today but that could have been the stressful situation.

Well now I have 3 days off (and so does DP :) so hopefully I can relax & look after myself a bit better.

I can hear you asking: are you going to POAS? I'm not sure yet. Last cycle I did it at 6dp5dt & it was a super faint line (almost non-existent). I remember obsessing over whether the second line was there or not. I'm not sure I want to do that to myself this time. I'm also not sure I want bad news when I feel like maybe I could be?? I think I want to live in hope just a bit longer. We'll see......

2ww thoughts

We have no frosties.. so frustrated.

Also feeling guilty about flying so soon after ET.
And lifting my cabin luggage.
And eating the sandwich on the plane - it had ham & mayonnaise.

So hungry today.. stomach churning, feels empty all the time (apart from just after the massive room service steak & extra side of fries I smashed earlier). Probably in my mind.
Going out of my mind & it's only been 2 days.

How will I get through this? At least I'll be manically busy at work tomorrow.

ICSI #3 - Costs So Far..

Costs so far for this cycle:

$693 - DP's sperm extraction theatre fees (16/2)

has basic hospital cover - no Medicare rebate

$0 - My egg retrieval theatre fees - nothing payable (16/2)

top hospital cover

$8645 - ICSI cycle fees (21/2)

Medicare rebate $5062 = out of pocket $3583


$488 - DP's Anaesthetist fees for TESE on EPU day
Medicare rebate $133, waiting for private health rebate

$469 - My Anaesthetist fees for EPU

Medicare rebate $119, waiting for private health rebate

More to come....

ICSI #3 - Embryo Transfer

I'm officially PUPO.. again. We have one embryo on board! I told DP it was like we were picking up our baby from the babysitter.. they've just been minding it for us. He of course shook his head.

The lab will let the other embryos sit overnight & see how they're developing tomorrow. They'll ring & let us know if there's any worth freezing.. fingers crossed but I'll be shocked if there are! We haven't had any success in that department as yet.

But on a positive note, we had one "expanding blastocyst" to transfer. Last time we had a "hatching blastocyst" but this is still just as promising. My FS said it should start hatching within the next few hours or so if it's a good embryo.

Our clinic here in Australia doesn't prescribe bed rest after a transfer, as opposed to the US & other countries, so they usher you out of the transfer room immediately afterwards. It's unnerving to get up so soon but I've researched this & found out bed rest is an outdated recommendation & is now found to be unnecessary. I did, however, lay on the couch watching TV for about an hour when we got home. After that I decided not to waste a beautiful day off from work with DP & we went for a lovely drive up to Newport for lunch. I didn't go for a run or anything but I certainly wasn't still. Fingers crossed the movement increases the blood flow to the right regions for implantation.

Speaking of movement, I'm flying interstate (2hr flight) for work again tomorrow afternoon so I'm a bit nervous about its effect. I'm going to make sure I get up a couple of times & walk around & stretch.. It's also a highly stressful job but I've got to keep as calm as possible. I know it's not good for this situation.

Right now I'm feeling pretty good & fairly positive.

Time to try & fit all my potions into my small carry-on luggage.. I think it's going to be a struggle! ;-)

ICSI #3 - 3dpEC Update

The lab called today.. it seems we now have SIX embryos dividing away (one more than the last time they called!). One is only at the 3-cell stage which is lagging behind. Two are already reaching the morula stage ahead of time!! I couldn't hear the assistant properly when she rattled off how many cells the others were at but just glad two are doing so well. They'll call again tomorrow to give me another update & the time for my transfer on Wednesday.

I'm a bit chirpier today. I've been pretty moody lately & poor DP has copped it :( Today I went back to work (for 3.30am thanks very much!!) and my shift went fairly well considering. I'm feeling a lot better today, just a few slight twinges in my belly but nothing too painful. I went back & re-read my blogs from the last 2 cycles. It seems I also had sore nipples as well as bad gas & gas pains then too. It's all coming back to me now. Luckily the bleeding stopped after the first day and a half.

I also just remembered that I drank 100% purple grape juice last cycle & didn't have any handy this time. So we went shopping at the supermarket & could only get reconstituted juice. I'm sure it doesn't make a hell of a difference if I drink it or not but now I'm feeling superstitious - it worked last time so what if it was the juice?! I also bought a pineapple & have just made myself a smoothie with pineapple core, rockmelon, blueberries, chocolate Sustagen Hospital Formula powder, yoghurt & organic full cream milk - it's a little bitter & I'm struggling to down it. Every morning I also eat bran cereal sprinkled with sunflower seeds, pepitas, blueberries & goji berries. The breakfast has been a ritual for some time, as has the organic milk & Sustagen every night. And I only drink Rooibos Tea, no caffeine at all. I'm sure if I was someone else listening to me I'd tell me how ridiculous I'm being LOL! But it's fun to feel like I have some control over the situation.

Well, off to bed. It's another 3am wake-up call for tomorrow! I've been trying to read trashy romance novels every night to take my mind off things.. but I'm sure I will dream of happy little embryos bursting out of their skins to meet me! :-)

ICSI #3 - Egg Collection

So my egg retrieval was yesterday & DP had testicular sperm extraction. It feels like such a routine for us now. However the clinic staff buggered up a bit & just sent me down to theatre by myself while DP had to wait upstairs (last time we "roomed" together before surgery). It was only when my FS asked me to remind him if we were using frozen sperm this time (which we weren't - we wanted to use fresh again) that they called up for someone to quickly sort the paperwork for DP. Lucky they did or he may not have made it into surgery in time. I saw him briefly while I was in recovery, just before he went into theatre. We would have pointed out this oversight to them at the time but we thought they knew better & it was part of the plan??

Anyhoo, it was all same same. We went home afterwards & lazed on the couch for a while. I had a snooze cos we had to be at the clinic at 6.30am!! We were there before any staff were.. and were locked out for a while before being trapped in the stairwell cos the lifts weren't operating yet LOL. I wish they told us we'd be the first patients & that they wouldn't be open a minute before 6.30am. Oh well.

So DP is recovering ok.. his bits aren't sore, just a little uncomfortable with the stitches. I'm ok too.. just feel like I've been kicked in the abdomen & have to ease into sitting or standing. I think I'll be fine by Monday when I have to go back to work (my Dr certificate only covered me for one day - seriously??). I'm also bleeding a little this time. I don't remember bleeding the last couple of times but I should probably go back & read my blogs to see if I've just forgotten. My BBs have been super sore for the last week too (especially my nipples - TMI). I think it's just from the hormones I've been injecting.

So to the important stuff - the lab called this morning & from the 10 eggs collected, and the 7 that were mature & therefore injected (ICSI), 5 of those have fertilised. It's not a lot but it's better that none. I'm a bit numb about it all. I've come to terms with it being such a numbers game & just the luck of the draw. We never get loads & the ones we get aren't fantastic. And the pretty good one we got last time was "defective".

So we wait & see.

And get on with our lives.

And hope...

All Aboard Again.. Cycle #3

Well, we've started again.. we're two days into cycle #3.

It ended up being a spur of the moment decision. I was intending to start a cycle in March but then found out from my boss that someone in my department had booked annual leave & that I couldn't also take time off. I thought I could book a week off around egg retrieval to avoid questions over my absence. But alas. She also said April was a definite no-no and another colleague may need time off in February. I was so annoyed. I'm meant to be going overseas for a big work project in July so I felt like my time was running out.

So, AF came a little early and I thought "bugger it, I'm going for it". After all, we're not getting any younger. I'm 37 this year & DP is 52. I'm putting life into perspective and work is so far down the list these days. They can't stop me from doing IVF. Everyone seems to be able to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat and work has no choice but to grant them time off. Now it's my turn.

Our only fly in the ointment is that I'm flying interstate on Tuesday (which is Cycle Day 5) and not coming back until Cycle Day 9. The clinic are being quite good in that they're letting me come in early on Tuesday before my flight to collect all the drugs I'll need to get me through. They were a bit reluctant but it seems my specialist is ok with letting me go unmonitored for a few days. It's just lucky that I've done this Antagonist cycle before & my levels didn't go off the chart, so they're fairly confident I'll be ok this time.

So, fingers crossed! And off we go...