I've been reluctant to post any "symptoms" during the 2ww in case I jinx myself & end up with egg on my face. But it seems it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Is this the end?
I was awoken up by painful intense cramps the morning of 4dp5dt & thought it might have been implantation. They only lasted a few hours on & off .. something I don't usually experience in a normal cycle. I then started getting backaches, slight nausea, upset tummy, sharp pains just next to my belly button & a really nasty headache that lasted for 2 days from 6dp5dt. Surely these were pregnancy symptoms??! I was starting to feel a little smug. Now I just feel like a mug!
This morning I used a leftover First Response (FRER) HPT from our last cycle. It expired about 9mths ago but surely it would still pick up any HCG in my system? Nope. A pretty definitive & glaringly obvious BFN. I was down, but clutching at straws thinking there's still hope. Too early? Faulty cos it was expired? So I ordered another packet of FRERs with my online groceries to be delivered tomorrow. I could test again tomorrow & see my BFP! But tonight I saw blood. A very faint hint on my panty liner.. & then a few red spots on the Crinone (progesterone) applicator. AF's coming... & she can kiss my ass.
So I had half a glass of wine tonight.. my big FUCK YOU to infertility!
I just don't know if I can do this again. It's shit. It really is. IVF is no picnic. It interrupts & takes over your life. It's unfair. It's painful. It's horrendously expensive. It's emotional. And it's shit.
July 17, 2014
July 9, 2014
IVF (ICSI) costs round #4
These are our costs so far for this round of ICSI:
Fertility Specialist initial consult: $195 (covered in full by Medicare cheque)
Cycle fees: $9922 paid upfront the day before embryo transfer
(approx $5256 rebate from Medicare - safety net not reached)
$4666 out of pocket
Egg Collection: $250 (private health excess - AHM)
Embryo Transfer: $250 (private health excess)
EC Anaesthetist: ? approx $500 ? (bill to come)
Ongoing frozen sperm storage: $220 per six months
Paid so far: approx $5766
Should be out of pocket: approx $6200 ??!!!
Hoping there's no other bills to come that I've forgotten about! 😱
Fertility Specialist initial consult: $195 (covered in full by Medicare cheque)
Cycle fees: $9922 paid upfront the day before embryo transfer
(approx $5256 rebate from Medicare - safety net not reached)
$4666 out of pocket
Egg Collection: $250 (private health excess - AHM)
Embryo Transfer: $250 (private health excess)
EC Anaesthetist: ? approx $500 ? (bill to come)
Ongoing frozen sperm storage: $220 per six months
Paid so far: approx $5766
Should be out of pocket: approx $6200 ??!!!
Hoping there's no other bills to come that I've forgotten about! 😱
Transfer day!
And once again I'm PUPO!
We have one morula onboard. The two embryos that had reached the desired 6-8 cell stage in our last update ended up slowing down & didn't have enough cells. The lab will "keep an eye on them" but they're probably no good for freezing. The third embryo that was only five cells at the update sped up & became a morula (not quite blastocyst) by this morning. The FS said it could be that or maybe the cells were so compacted that it was hard to count the cells properly back then. Either way it's our only hope for this cycle. Out of four cycles now we've NEVER ended up with more than one viable embryo on transfer day! I guess a FET isn't an option for us :(
We found out the day before Egg Collection that our FS was in Bali for a conference & wouldn't be there. We had a female FS fill in instead. She was nice but it was a little disappointing. We weren't expecting him to be back for the Embryo Transfer today either but he actually flew back this morning & scheduled us at midday so he could perform it for us. So lovely & kind of him!
So, we came home, ate lunch on the couch in front of the tv for a while, then went to pick up TJ from daycare & take DP to work. Fingers crossed my darling & overactive toddler sleeps this afternoon!!!
Here goes the dreaded TWW!
We have one morula onboard. The two embryos that had reached the desired 6-8 cell stage in our last update ended up slowing down & didn't have enough cells. The lab will "keep an eye on them" but they're probably no good for freezing. The third embryo that was only five cells at the update sped up & became a morula (not quite blastocyst) by this morning. The FS said it could be that or maybe the cells were so compacted that it was hard to count the cells properly back then. Either way it's our only hope for this cycle. Out of four cycles now we've NEVER ended up with more than one viable embryo on transfer day! I guess a FET isn't an option for us :(
We found out the day before Egg Collection that our FS was in Bali for a conference & wouldn't be there. We had a female FS fill in instead. She was nice but it was a little disappointing. We weren't expecting him to be back for the Embryo Transfer today either but he actually flew back this morning & scheduled us at midday so he could perform it for us. So lovely & kind of him!
So, we came home, ate lunch on the couch in front of the tv for a while, then went to pick up TJ from daycare & take DP to work. Fingers crossed my darling & overactive toddler sleeps this afternoon!!!
Here goes the dreaded TWW!
July 6, 2014
Crinone Hell
Having a bad day.
I'm now sitting alone on a bench in the local park, shitty that so many people & their dogs are here and I can't have a private breakdown! And one dog just sniffed my butt. Seriously.
Go away people! Stop enjoying your leisurely Sunday & feck off!! Go home to your effing blissful lives!
I have a toddler at home who's pining for the dummy & won't effing sleep.
I have a hubby who is ignorantly going about his day getting little outside jobs done & not interested in the war brewing inside.
I have a body going completely nuts from the bombardment of chemicals injected into & squirted up it!
I am going out of my mind & no-one fucking cares.
The world goes on.
And so must I.
But for now I'm sitting alone on a park bench trying to hide the ridiculous & irrational tears welling up inside me.. while hubby is home with our gorgeous (no doubt fast asleep) toddler, probably wondering what all the fuss is about.
I'm now sitting alone on a bench in the local park, shitty that so many people & their dogs are here and I can't have a private breakdown! And one dog just sniffed my butt. Seriously.
Go away people! Stop enjoying your leisurely Sunday & feck off!! Go home to your effing blissful lives!
I have a toddler at home who's pining for the dummy & won't effing sleep.
I have a hubby who is ignorantly going about his day getting little outside jobs done & not interested in the war brewing inside.
I have a body going completely nuts from the bombardment of chemicals injected into & squirted up it!
I am going out of my mind & no-one fucking cares.
The world goes on.
And so must I.
But for now I'm sitting alone on a park bench trying to hide the ridiculous & irrational tears welling up inside me.. while hubby is home with our gorgeous (no doubt fast asleep) toddler, probably wondering what all the fuss is about.
Fuck you Crinone!
July 5, 2014
Vag Gel & Wind
Right on cue - I'm plagued by the most offensive room-clearing farts!
Thank goodness hubby is working.. but god save him when he comes to bed tonight!!!
I'm in pain until I release the evil. Ah the joys.
Speaking of joys, I took my first dose of Crinone (progesterone) tonight. Enough said about that (most of you ladies will know what I mean).
Thank goodness hubby is working.. but god save him when he comes to bed tonight!!!
I'm in pain until I release the evil. Ah the joys.
Speaking of joys, I took my first dose of Crinone (progesterone) tonight. Enough said about that (most of you ladies will know what I mean).
1 Day Post Egg Collection
Just got the call that all three eggs fertilised normally.
This is great news seeing as there's only three to start with.
I won't get another call until Monday (2 days from now) with an update on how they're developing.
Fingers crossed they keep dividing away in the meantime!!
I'm feeling much better today. Good enough for a (slow) walk. It's a gorgeous sunny but chilly day outside. Hopefully we can wear TJ out enough that he'll have a big nap this afternoon. DP is working later so I'm home alone with the little darling :)
This is great news seeing as there's only three to start with.
I won't get another call until Monday (2 days from now) with an update on how they're developing.
Fingers crossed they keep dividing away in the meantime!!
I'm feeling much better today. Good enough for a (slow) walk. It's a gorgeous sunny but chilly day outside. Hopefully we can wear TJ out enough that he'll have a big nap this afternoon. DP is working later so I'm home alone with the little darling :)
July 4, 2014
Egg collection day (CD14) ICSI #4 (cycle 1, TTC #2)
An early start saw us drag ourselves & our bloodshot baggy eyes out to the clinic & day hospital for egg collection. Poor TJ had to be woken up & dressed quickly, then rushed into the car with no breakfast or milk. But he's such a trooper. He strutted out of the lift & over to the toy section like he owned the place! Maybe it feels like home to him? After all, he was created there!
After signing a bit of paperwork I was admitted & had to say goodbye to my boys. DP then took TJ to daycare for a few hours. I was led into the same cubicle as previous EC's to get changed into the sexy backless gown & fluffy robe. After about half an hour of trashy mag browsing (seriously who can concentrate on an article knowing your bits are about to be laid out for a room full of people to gawk at!) & a bunch of recited questions from the anaesthetist, I was collected & led down the hallway. I laid on the table, answered multiple questions asked simultaneously by various theatre staff, & had some happy juice inserted through the back of my hand. I was asked to help them get my legs into the stirrups.. oh the indignity! Wish they did that while I was knocked out!! An oxygen mask was placed on my face & I started to feel drunk. Aahhhh that's the stuff!
Seconds later (probably more like 20-30mins later) I started coming to in Recovery. I wasn't in any pain & had my blood pressure and temperature taken by the nurse. She then removed the lovely pad from between my legs. I tried to feel under the blankets for which hand they'd placed the tape on to tell me how many eggs they'd collected. Hmm.. I then lifted each hand up to see if it was perhaps just written on my skin? Nope, nothing. I started to panic. I heard the girl next to me ask the nurses how many she had & they said 10. I then heard the nurses chatting to each other about one procedure being cancelled (which they were happy about) & gathered that was DP's sperm extraction surgery. He'd also had to fast from midnight in case the frozen sperm wasn't usable. I waited until they walked me back to the cubicle & DP came down before asking about my eggs. Three. That's it. Three eggs. Seriously???!!! I'd had about 6-7 follicles on the scan 2 days ago. Did I ovulate & lose them? Or were these not worthy of collection? I guess I'll be asking these questions later. For now I'm just a little depressed.. as well as a bit tender in the tummy.
On the upside, the scientist called me this afternoon to say all (!) three eggs were injected with sperm & were doing "as well as can be expected at this early stage". She also said we actually had three straws of frozen sperm (one was apparently not entered into the system properly - which begs the question - is it actually DP's??? 😁) so we now still have two straws left. This is good news as DP has a heart condition after an attack out of the blue last year, so we're hoping to avoid surgery for him.
So, I know it's just a numbers game but previous cycles yielded 10-11 eggs & we only ever ended up with one embryo to transfer. Starting with just three eggs isn't a great beginning. I'm feeling guilty like this is bad karma from me not being more positive & "into" this cycle. I do really want it to work but I guess I protect myself by being negative & pretending I don't want it as much.
My hopes for any frozen embryos is a bit optimistic at this point I think.. now it's all about at least one making it to transfer day. Please divide away my little ones!!
After signing a bit of paperwork I was admitted & had to say goodbye to my boys. DP then took TJ to daycare for a few hours. I was led into the same cubicle as previous EC's to get changed into the sexy backless gown & fluffy robe. After about half an hour of trashy mag browsing (seriously who can concentrate on an article knowing your bits are about to be laid out for a room full of people to gawk at!) & a bunch of recited questions from the anaesthetist, I was collected & led down the hallway. I laid on the table, answered multiple questions asked simultaneously by various theatre staff, & had some happy juice inserted through the back of my hand. I was asked to help them get my legs into the stirrups.. oh the indignity! Wish they did that while I was knocked out!! An oxygen mask was placed on my face & I started to feel drunk. Aahhhh that's the stuff!
Seconds later (probably more like 20-30mins later) I started coming to in Recovery. I wasn't in any pain & had my blood pressure and temperature taken by the nurse. She then removed the lovely pad from between my legs. I tried to feel under the blankets for which hand they'd placed the tape on to tell me how many eggs they'd collected. Hmm.. I then lifted each hand up to see if it was perhaps just written on my skin? Nope, nothing. I started to panic. I heard the girl next to me ask the nurses how many she had & they said 10. I then heard the nurses chatting to each other about one procedure being cancelled (which they were happy about) & gathered that was DP's sperm extraction surgery. He'd also had to fast from midnight in case the frozen sperm wasn't usable. I waited until they walked me back to the cubicle & DP came down before asking about my eggs. Three. That's it. Three eggs. Seriously???!!! I'd had about 6-7 follicles on the scan 2 days ago. Did I ovulate & lose them? Or were these not worthy of collection? I guess I'll be asking these questions later. For now I'm just a little depressed.. as well as a bit tender in the tummy.
On the upside, the scientist called me this afternoon to say all (!) three eggs were injected with sperm & were doing "as well as can be expected at this early stage". She also said we actually had three straws of frozen sperm (one was apparently not entered into the system properly - which begs the question - is it actually DP's??? 😁) so we now still have two straws left. This is good news as DP has a heart condition after an attack out of the blue last year, so we're hoping to avoid surgery for him.
So, I know it's just a numbers game but previous cycles yielded 10-11 eggs & we only ever ended up with one embryo to transfer. Starting with just three eggs isn't a great beginning. I'm feeling guilty like this is bad karma from me not being more positive & "into" this cycle. I do really want it to work but I guess I protect myself by being negative & pretending I don't want it as much.
My hopes for any frozen embryos is a bit optimistic at this point I think.. now it's all about at least one making it to transfer day. Please divide away my little ones!!
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