Suspected Molar Pregnancy

The D&C went okay. It wasn't quite as traumatic as I'd feared, although it obviously wasn't pleasant. The clinic staff were so wonderful, they really looked after me. I was so glad I didn't go through the public hospital system. And so glad I could get through the whole experience so quickly.
I had quite a bit of pain when I woke up from the anaesthetic but my recovery nurse made sure I got enough medication to feel very little of it.

In a weird way, despite feeling obvious sadness, I also felt relief. I feel guilty for saying this but I was so relieved that it was over & I didn't have to worry about that bleeding & the fate of my baby anymore. I could finally start healing & move on. I did go through some grieving, and had a bit of a meltdown a few days after the procedure, but it didn't last long.

The meltdown was caused by a phonecall a couple of days later from my doctor. He told me the lab did some tests on the "tissue" (i.e. the baby) and found some "funny" cells. He said they think I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy. He said it was nothing to worry about but they would have to monitor me & do blood tests to make sure the HCG in my body was going down. After doing my own research, I've discovered that a Molar Pregnancy is caused by chromosomal problems resulting in abnormal cells. Usually a Partial MP is caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg, or double the amount of male chromosomes fertilising a blank egg. Not sure how this happened in ICSI, but there you go. If there's any of these cells left behind inside me they could spread, and I could end up having to get some mild chemotherapy. Hence the meltdown.

It's just over 1 week on from the D&C now and I'm doing better. I've yet to have my appointment with my doctor to discuss everything further and I have a lot of questions. Mainly I want to know when we can start trying again. I've read most women are told to wait 6 months after their HCG reaches zero, in a PMP. In a Complete Molar Pregnancy it's 12 months. This isn't good news. I'm already 36 years old. My darling partner is 51 next month. Six months is a lifetime to me right now.

But I'm going to enjoy life again & appreciate everything I've got. DP is confident we'll have a healthy baby soon. I'm trying to adopt his attitude. He's become the clucky one in the relationship whereas I'm more cautious & try to ignore babies. He's so lovely to me. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm going to concentrate on that for now & hope for a brighter future for us.

I hope anyone reading this who has been in the same situation can offer me some hope, or if anyone is going through such tough times right now can see that life does go on. And our time will come. It has to xx

It's Over... again.

It was bad news. The baby stopped growing & was only measuring 6w2d. There was no heartbeat.

My lovely FS got me booked in for a D&C tomorrow at the Day Surgery. All too soon we're back there again.. and not to put an embryo IN this time, to take one out.

I finally cried today on DH's shoulder. I still feel numb. One minute I'm fine like nothing happened, the next I'm so angry. But these things happen.

There's not much more to say.

I came across this quote today & I'm trying to live by it. It will be a struggle but it's all I can do.

‎"Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You don’t fail by falling down. You fail by never getting back up. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward."

9w4d update

So it's now been one and a half weeks of bleeding. I am going seriously insane. Just when I think it's tapering off & I'm getting a clear day - BAM!! I get a dark red bleed with clot. Awesome.

So, tomorrow is D-day. I'm going for a private scan. I'm so scared of what we'll see.. or not see, more to the point.

On the one hand I feel positive that I don't bleed heavy enough to hit a pad, and it's usually dark blood. But on the other hand I've read other women's accounts of their miscarriages, and some of theirs started this way too. I'm trying to be positive but I also want to be prepared for bad news. How exactly do you get prepared for this kind of news though??

I'm not religious at all, but I've been praying to.. whomever.. to please let me keep this baby, and please let him/her be healthy! I know I deserve to finally get my wish.. but it feels so far away now. This is out of anyone's hands.

Time for bed. I just hope I go to bed tomorrow night knowing my baby is still there, still going strong, and all's well in my little world. Goodnight... I hope!

8w3d - Bleeding update (beware TMI)

I had an appointment with my GP today & she said the bleeding isn't a major concern. Ha! For who?! She said if it gets heavier, redder & with clots at the same time as abdominal pain then it could be bad news.

Just when I thought it was tapering off I had more on the TP today. And another small clot. It's still brown & darkish, not red. I came home from the docs a little more relieved but these latest episodes have darkened my mood all over again.

Doc said she's had patients who have bled through their whole pregnancy. But she also said no amount of scans would change the outcome & I just have to learn to accept fate. If it's going to end then that's just the way it is unfortunately. I have so much trouble letting go. I need control & knowledge. It's who I am. But I am going to have to find a way to relax & let nature do its thing. I just hope nature is going to be kind to me & my baby.

8w2d - Bleeding scare

I'm so scared. Yesterday I flew interstate for work, & I went to the toilet just before my busiest time. I wiped & there was brown discharge. It continued on & off through the evening & this morning. Today there was a dark brown stringy clot (sorry for TMI). It's the weekend. I have a check-up scheduled already with my GP tomorrow after an early work shift. Google is scaring me. Some positive outcomes but a lot of bad ones. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. This can't be happening. Please please please let my baby be ok. I've seen his heart beating. He's real. I can't let him go now!

7w4d - First Scan!

Our little grain of rice has a heartbeat! I'm over the moon!! And he/she is in the uterus (not an ectopic as I feared). Oh happy day! I've never been so relieved in my life!

The wait for this scan was excruciating to say the least. DP was in the room for the scan & almost shed a tear. I was pretty close myself but the doctor was so rushed with it that we didn't really have much time to get emotional. The little heart was flickering away. Baby was just a blob but the best kind of blob I've ever seen!

I am still in shock. I can't believe I'm finally here. I know the journey's not over & nothing is a given.. but I'm just going to think positive & enjoy this experience. It's an experience I NEVER thought I'd have in this lifetime. I'm lost for words.. so I'll leave you with these pics. Life is good :)

NB: The baby is that bean-shaped white blob under the circle. The circle is the yolk sac. The black area is fluid.

5w5d pg.. or am I?

Still stressed out. My lack of pregnancy symptoms really isn't helping. I'm not feeling all that queasy lately, my overactive sense of smell has eased, and I still don't have veiny or sensitive BBs. It's freaking me out! It's still 13 days until my first scan.. and counting!

I've had a few "moments" where I was convinced I was losing this pregnancy. I thought I may have seen the slightest tinge of red/brown on the tp when I wiped yesterday. Of course now I come to think of it, it was barely anything at all. But all these period-like cramps aren't helping my lack of confidence. It's so ridiculous that I actually almost wish I would throw up or something, so I would feel pregnant! I'm finding this wait so much worse than the 2ww after embryo transfer! Back then I was into all that positive thinking & affirmations & stuff. This time I am really struggling to feel anything but negativity. I wish I could snap myself out of it. DP says I should forget about the pregnancy for a while & just "chill out".. but how do I do that when I've got to be careful of what I eat & do? It's just a constant reminder.


So anyway, I've decided to book into the public hospital system at RNSH. Luckily my GP is an accredited carer so I can go with the Shared Care model if I want, although I'm wondering if she will charge me for appointments whereas the hospital is free? The hospital called me yesterday to book me in for the 19 week morphology ultrasound. Unfortunately the date they want to do it falls when I'm meant to be working interstate. They won't budge on their date. They say it's their policy to do it at 19 weeks & 3 days exactly. What the heck? My other choice is to have it done elsewhere & pay out of pocket. I was pretty miffed & didn't end up booking but now I'm thinking I really should do it with them & bugger work. After all, this is more important, right?

It's so weird to be making important decisions & bookings so early. I feel like I'm barely pregnant & still trying to come to terms with it all. And I can't help but wonder what it's like for those who make all these plans & appointments only for it to turn out bad. What if their first early scan shows no heartbeat & the pregnancy not viable? How devastating it must be to have to call all these people back & tell them you have to cancel. God I hope I'm not one of them.