Antagonizing Cycle

OK.. firstly - LOVE this cycle! So far anyway. It's so much quicker & also easier that I take 2 injections at the same time once a day. On the Long Down Reg it was hard using the nasal spray in the morn, then injection at night, 12 hours apart. Everything's happening & moving along at a speedy pace.

What I DON'T love are these horrendous headaches! Correction: this ONE horrendous 3-day-long headache! Sooooo over it! And my head is hot, and I feel blah, and I'm constipated.. a little bit. I forgot what these nasty (but necessary) hormones can do to you.

And this dildocam business is getting old. Not a fan. Never will be. It's not natural (ironic, I know).

Was highly stressed tonight. Had to give a lift to & from work to one of my lovely colleagues. Unfortunately we were driving home right at the time my injections were due. I couldn't exactly pull over in the tunnel & excuse myself while I grab for my needles. Therefore I was 25 mins late to do them when I got home. Talk about panic! Thank goodness for Dr Google though - apparently as long as it's done within the hour I should be fine. Relief. Can go back to being just averagely neurotic now.

My head hurts. Off to bed to read a non-IVF, non-pregnancy, non-baby related novel. A forced mind break.

Here We Go Again..

I'm back.. sorry, it's been a while. You'll be glad to know I've spent the 3 months off IVF treatment, just having a good time. We went on a holiday to Darwin with DP's family & I drank like a fish! Figured I may as well make the most of the time off & enjoy a lovely vino.. or 10! I drowned Dry July!

But today it begins again. I dub thee AA August (1 day early!)

AF turned up dead on time yesterday so back to the clinic today for a blood test, collect my meds & sign away my life... or the next month at least. Oh how rusty I feel! The nurse was a bit stern with me on the phone yesterday. It seems I should have called earlier to organise the paperwork & get an appointment yesterday. Ooops! Naughty me! I felt like a kid getting told off by the teacher. When it's your first cycle the staff are all very calm & patient with you. But God forbid you're an experienced IVF-er & you forget a few simple things!

I was a little panicked when she pushed the Gonal-F pack in my direction & sped through the cycle chart with a brief explanation. I had to ask her to go through it again as it had been a while. I'm sure she was rolling her eyes in her mind. I can't retain too much information okay! As soon as I learn something new I forget the old stuff. And it's been a busy few months at work. Plus, ahem, I'm doing the Antagonist cycle this time, instead of the Long Down Reg, don't you know.

I was also stressing about choosing an injection time for tonight. Once you pick you're locked in! I had to look through my rosters for the next 2 weeks to check when I may be free every night. I hope I've picked well or I'll have to come up with some creative excuses to run to the bathroom with secret object in hand!! Ugh. This shiftwork is seriously non-conducive to a cycle. Have I mentioned that already??? Injection went fine. Just like riding a bike. Did it on my own like a pro. Like the veteran I was supposed to be this morning.

OK, well off to bed to continuing reading "Legs Up And Laughing". I love it. So well written. So relate-able. Wish I could be that entertaining for my readers. Ha. All I get is spam feedback.. and sadly I get excited about that! Goodnight x

It's Over - even before the BFN.

No more waiting. I'm not pregnant.

I had to travel interstate for work. I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. I felt nauseous, had veiny boobs, trouble sleeping, cried at the drop of a hat, acne breakout, but had no AF cramping. So I bought a pregnancy test. I brought it back to the hotel room and, as it was an early detection one, I tested that afternoon. Unfortunately I couldn't pee much so I barely wet the stick. Nothing happened for a while. I left it for about 30 mins & when I looked there was a bold test line & nothing else. But I figured that was only because I didn't pee enough. I figured I'd test first thing in the morning.

The next morning I went to the loo, only to find my period had just started. Bright red blood. No chance of this being implantation spotting or anything like that. I still have the stupid beta blood test tomorrow, for what it's worth.

Damn.

I'm numb. I haven't even cried about it. I sent a text to DP as I didn't want to wake him up. He called me back straight away and was really caring & lovely about it. He was disappointed too.

Back to the drawing board. I don't know why I let myself be positive. I'm always better being pessimistic, cos then I'm not too disappointed.

We'll try again. But for now I have to take a month's break before the Doc will let me try again.

Talk to you soon.

Letter to my Un-Pregnant Self

If you get that dreaded BFN I want you to remember these things:

* You still have a great life

* You have a boyfriend that loves you

* You have a family that loves you

* You have a great job

* You can drink wine again!

* You can relax for a while

* You can stop googling symptoms

* You can eat whatever you like, use wheatbags whenever you like, use a sauna if you like..

* You can stop injecting for a while

* You can stop sniffing for a while

* You can stop squirting nasty hormones up your vajajay for a while

* You won't have a bloated tummy for a while

* You can have sex if, and whenever, you like

* You don't have to make appointments for a while

* You don't have to hide things from your workmates, family, friends for a while

* You are fortunate that you can try again

* Your Dr now knows more about your cycle & how you react to the drugs.. it will be better next time

Don't lose hope. Keep your eye on the prize. But don't let it consume you.

Your child will find you.. when it's the right time.

Ramblings of a madwoman.. (only 1dp5dt)

Cramping today.. tummy & back. Implantation, I hear you ask?? Hmm.. maybe that's just me.

Google is not my friend today. It giveth, then taketh away. My head is jumbled up with good signs, which could also be bad signs, which could also just be symptoms of the Crinone.

Give me strength!! I think I was happier when I thought there was no way this one was going to work! The hope is more heart-wrenching.. the faith more fearful.

I'm not sure whether to clear my head, or clutter it with everything else to bury these thoughts.

Why can't they invent something that shows what's going on in your uterus at any given time? I'd give anything to see if my morula is a blastocyst, if it's implanted or floating.. or if it's still there at all.

Am I mad? Methinks you ain't seen nuthin' yet!!

PUPO!

OK.. so had embryo transfer today. Have mixed feelings. The doc didn't sound too optimistic that it would take. The only embie I had left was still only at the morula stage today, & the odds of those ones working are lower than if they are blastocysts. But I've spent all day & night googling "day 5 morula transfers" and there's a few BFP's out there, not many, but a few nonetheless.

The procedure itself was fairly quick & straight forward. Followed doc into a "clean room" or something like that, with a weird security door, instructions everywhere about putting the blue medical bag things over your shoes & putting the sexy blue hat on. Just stripped the bottom half of my clothing off & put a backless gown on. Then when I was ready I pressed the security button which let me into the next room. No-one was in there, just a stirrupped chair, stool for doc & a TV screen. I heard muffled voices in the lab next door and another room no doubt like this where another woman was having the same procedure. I saw her go in earlier.. she was wearing orange shoes. I smirked. I didn't feel so silly in my orange top after that ;-)

So doc came in, prepped me as if I was having a pap smear, & called out to the lab tech on speaker phone that he was ready. She put my petri dish on the TV screen to show my name & DOB, and then the embryo, to assure me they had MY embryo & not someone elses. She then came in with a catheter, which the doc inserted into me. The tech took it back to the lab, put it under the microscope & checked the embryo was gone. All done!

On the way home I told DP about the lack of optimism by the doc. DP said not to give up on this one, it could still be the one. It was then that the lyrics "don't give up on me baby" came on the radio. Can't remember the name of the song. But I pointed it out & DP said "there you go!".

So let's just say I'm hopeful, but trying not to get my hopes up. Not sure if that makes sense but it's working for me so far. The rest of the 2ww could be another matter.

Pregnant... until proven otherwise ;-)

And Then There Was 1..

One lonely embryo has made it through.

I'm numb. The odds are against us. I'm already thinking to the next attempt. I hope I can get straight into the next cycle. Should I be thinking positive about this round? Probably. But I can't. I don't think I could handle the disappointment if I got my hopes up. I just want to get this over with.

Transfer tomorrow 9.10am. A mere $7540 taken off my credit cards today. The hellish 2ww (2 weeks waiting) ahead of me. It's going to be torture. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for all this. I don't know how women can do 5, 6, 10 attempts. How am I going to get through this one, let alone a second?

I'm trying to remember what my life was like before all of this obsession. I vaguely recall it was great & I loved it. But now it seems so meaningless. I need to find something to hold on to.. for my sanity. I need to rediscover my obsession for my DP, he deserves more from me. He doesn't deserve a moody, snapping dragonlady who can only converse about eggs, sperm & baby names. He still remembers who I was. I just need him to remind me.