Our Year of Loss

Thanks to my new follower Julie for reminding me I haven't updated for a while!

It's been a pretty tumultuous couple of months. I've recovered well from the miscarriage but sadly we had a more terrible loss in the family. My dear 6 year old nephew passed away from Leukaemia. He had been ill for some time but seemed to be doing so well after a stem cell transplant. Unfortunately a few bad cells remained & he just couldn't recover. This is a horrendous blood cancer that doesn't discriminate. It claims too many precious lives in this world. Please forgive me for using this post as a forum to help raise awareness & much needed funds.

The best thing you can do to help is to go on the bone marrow donor list. In Australia you can enquire at  your nearest Red Cross Blood Service office (more info at www.abmdr.com.au); it's a simple blood test to find your tissue type & you're on the register! Mothers can opt to donate their baby's cord blood at certain hospitals. You can also donate funds at: www.leukaemia.org.au in Australia. For those in the UK, please go to www.anthonynolan.org/ for more information. I'm sure there's appropriate charities & registers in other countries too. Unfortunately none of my family were a tissue match for my nephew but he did have a few matches through baby cord blood donations throughout Europe which helped extend his short life.

My family had to fly overseas to attend his funeral. Had I stayed pregnant I'm not sure I would have taken the risk of such a long series of flights. I'm so glad I went & had my chance not only to say goodbye, but also to support my immediate family during this emotional time. It was really important to them & me too. I've decided to be grateful for that chance. Whilst my miscarriage was terribly upsetting, it was nothing compared to the heartache my nephew's parents have gone through. I don't believe you can find any reasoning in a child losing his life so young, but I'm going to believe this is the reason my pregnancy wasn't successful.

We'll never get his life back but I look forward to providing my family with a reason to be joyful in the New Year. 2012 is going to be our Year of Hope & Happiness. I wish this for you too x

Update - 5wks post D&C

Thanks to my first ever commenter & follower for reminding me to post this update! Welcome Kate!!


So it's 5 and a half weeks since my D&C, after a suspected partial molar pregnancy, and all is going fairly well (as well as can be). We had our appointment with our FS last week & it appears my HCG has returned to negative i.e. I no longer have the nasty pregnancy hormone in my system, therefore I won't have to have any chemo & won't have to wait 6-12 months to try again. Whoop whoop!! He said normally he'd advise his patient to wait that time out, just in case, but he's fairly confident I'll be fine & said I'm not getting any younger (gee thanks).

As my levels returned to normal so quickly, and the fact that we did ICSI (one sperm injected into one egg), AND I never had any morning sickness whatsoever, I'm confused somewhat. This contradicts all the research I've read about molar pregnancies. I went into the Dr's office armed with a list of questions to that effect. He basically admitted the industry still knows very little about WHY molar pregnancies occur. He said the idea that it's caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg has since been debunked. But he still seemed pretty fixed on the diagnosis.

As I DID indeed fall pregnant, his confidence that we'll fall pregnant again is high. I'm also fairly confident, but not so confident now in the "normality" of future embryos. Apparently they can't pick this sort of stuff up at the lab stage. It's just a wait & see game.

One good concession I got out of the doc was that he'd consider implanting 2 embryos next time, depending on their quality. If we get a couple of "excellent" ones, he'll only put one back. But if there's a couple of average ones that might not survive freezing, he might consider adding them together. In the past we've only ever had one decent embryo left at the 5 day stage so it's never been an issue. But it's good to know he'll consider it.

So now to the BAD news - Christmas is coming, plus I have so much work travel booked over the summer that we just can't do a cycle! I'm so bummed!! I would love to start again in January but my schedule doesn't let up until March. Even then it's still busy, but at least I won't be travelling all over the countryside at that point.

My plan for now - eat, drink, be merry, have fun, forget babies (ha), remember life, love & .... try to enjoy my freedom.

Truth be told, I can't wait to be tied down by a little one x

Suspected Molar Pregnancy

The D&C went okay. It wasn't quite as traumatic as I'd feared, although it obviously wasn't pleasant. The clinic staff were so wonderful, they really looked after me. I was so glad I didn't go through the public hospital system. And so glad I could get through the whole experience so quickly.
I had quite a bit of pain when I woke up from the anaesthetic but my recovery nurse made sure I got enough medication to feel very little of it.

In a weird way, despite feeling obvious sadness, I also felt relief. I feel guilty for saying this but I was so relieved that it was over & I didn't have to worry about that bleeding & the fate of my baby anymore. I could finally start healing & move on. I did go through some grieving, and had a bit of a meltdown a few days after the procedure, but it didn't last long.

The meltdown was caused by a phonecall a couple of days later from my doctor. He told me the lab did some tests on the "tissue" (i.e. the baby) and found some "funny" cells. He said they think I had a Partial Molar Pregnancy. He said it was nothing to worry about but they would have to monitor me & do blood tests to make sure the HCG in my body was going down. After doing my own research, I've discovered that a Molar Pregnancy is caused by chromosomal problems resulting in abnormal cells. Usually a Partial MP is caused by 2 sperm fertilising one egg, or double the amount of male chromosomes fertilising a blank egg. Not sure how this happened in ICSI, but there you go. If there's any of these cells left behind inside me they could spread, and I could end up having to get some mild chemotherapy. Hence the meltdown.

It's just over 1 week on from the D&C now and I'm doing better. I've yet to have my appointment with my doctor to discuss everything further and I have a lot of questions. Mainly I want to know when we can start trying again. I've read most women are told to wait 6 months after their HCG reaches zero, in a PMP. In a Complete Molar Pregnancy it's 12 months. This isn't good news. I'm already 36 years old. My darling partner is 51 next month. Six months is a lifetime to me right now.

But I'm going to enjoy life again & appreciate everything I've got. DP is confident we'll have a healthy baby soon. I'm trying to adopt his attitude. He's become the clucky one in the relationship whereas I'm more cautious & try to ignore babies. He's so lovely to me. I'm so lucky to have him. I'm going to concentrate on that for now & hope for a brighter future for us.

I hope anyone reading this who has been in the same situation can offer me some hope, or if anyone is going through such tough times right now can see that life does go on. And our time will come. It has to xx

It's Over... again.

It was bad news. The baby stopped growing & was only measuring 6w2d. There was no heartbeat.

My lovely FS got me booked in for a D&C tomorrow at the Day Surgery. All too soon we're back there again.. and not to put an embryo IN this time, to take one out.

I finally cried today on DH's shoulder. I still feel numb. One minute I'm fine like nothing happened, the next I'm so angry. But these things happen.

There's not much more to say.

I came across this quote today & I'm trying to live by it. It will be a struggle but it's all I can do.

‎"Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You don’t fail by falling down. You fail by never getting back up. Sometimes you just have to forget how you feel, remember what you deserve, and keep pushing forward."

9w4d update

So it's now been one and a half weeks of bleeding. I am going seriously insane. Just when I think it's tapering off & I'm getting a clear day - BAM!! I get a dark red bleed with clot. Awesome.

So, tomorrow is D-day. I'm going for a private scan. I'm so scared of what we'll see.. or not see, more to the point.

On the one hand I feel positive that I don't bleed heavy enough to hit a pad, and it's usually dark blood. But on the other hand I've read other women's accounts of their miscarriages, and some of theirs started this way too. I'm trying to be positive but I also want to be prepared for bad news. How exactly do you get prepared for this kind of news though??

I'm not religious at all, but I've been praying to.. whomever.. to please let me keep this baby, and please let him/her be healthy! I know I deserve to finally get my wish.. but it feels so far away now. This is out of anyone's hands.

Time for bed. I just hope I go to bed tomorrow night knowing my baby is still there, still going strong, and all's well in my little world. Goodnight... I hope!

8w3d - Bleeding update (beware TMI)

I had an appointment with my GP today & she said the bleeding isn't a major concern. Ha! For who?! She said if it gets heavier, redder & with clots at the same time as abdominal pain then it could be bad news.

Just when I thought it was tapering off I had more on the TP today. And another small clot. It's still brown & darkish, not red. I came home from the docs a little more relieved but these latest episodes have darkened my mood all over again.

Doc said she's had patients who have bled through their whole pregnancy. But she also said no amount of scans would change the outcome & I just have to learn to accept fate. If it's going to end then that's just the way it is unfortunately. I have so much trouble letting go. I need control & knowledge. It's who I am. But I am going to have to find a way to relax & let nature do its thing. I just hope nature is going to be kind to me & my baby.

8w2d - Bleeding scare

I'm so scared. Yesterday I flew interstate for work, & I went to the toilet just before my busiest time. I wiped & there was brown discharge. It continued on & off through the evening & this morning. Today there was a dark brown stringy clot (sorry for TMI). It's the weekend. I have a check-up scheduled already with my GP tomorrow after an early work shift. Google is scaring me. Some positive outcomes but a lot of bad ones. I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight. This can't be happening. Please please please let my baby be ok. I've seen his heart beating. He's real. I can't let him go now!

7w4d - First Scan!

Our little grain of rice has a heartbeat! I'm over the moon!! And he/she is in the uterus (not an ectopic as I feared). Oh happy day! I've never been so relieved in my life!

The wait for this scan was excruciating to say the least. DP was in the room for the scan & almost shed a tear. I was pretty close myself but the doctor was so rushed with it that we didn't really have much time to get emotional. The little heart was flickering away. Baby was just a blob but the best kind of blob I've ever seen!

I am still in shock. I can't believe I'm finally here. I know the journey's not over & nothing is a given.. but I'm just going to think positive & enjoy this experience. It's an experience I NEVER thought I'd have in this lifetime. I'm lost for words.. so I'll leave you with these pics. Life is good :)

NB: The baby is that bean-shaped white blob under the circle. The circle is the yolk sac. The black area is fluid.

5w5d pg.. or am I?

Still stressed out. My lack of pregnancy symptoms really isn't helping. I'm not feeling all that queasy lately, my overactive sense of smell has eased, and I still don't have veiny or sensitive BBs. It's freaking me out! It's still 13 days until my first scan.. and counting!

I've had a few "moments" where I was convinced I was losing this pregnancy. I thought I may have seen the slightest tinge of red/brown on the tp when I wiped yesterday. Of course now I come to think of it, it was barely anything at all. But all these period-like cramps aren't helping my lack of confidence. It's so ridiculous that I actually almost wish I would throw up or something, so I would feel pregnant! I'm finding this wait so much worse than the 2ww after embryo transfer! Back then I was into all that positive thinking & affirmations & stuff. This time I am really struggling to feel anything but negativity. I wish I could snap myself out of it. DP says I should forget about the pregnancy for a while & just "chill out".. but how do I do that when I've got to be careful of what I eat & do? It's just a constant reminder.


So anyway, I've decided to book into the public hospital system at RNSH. Luckily my GP is an accredited carer so I can go with the Shared Care model if I want, although I'm wondering if she will charge me for appointments whereas the hospital is free? The hospital called me yesterday to book me in for the 19 week morphology ultrasound. Unfortunately the date they want to do it falls when I'm meant to be working interstate. They won't budge on their date. They say it's their policy to do it at 19 weeks & 3 days exactly. What the heck? My other choice is to have it done elsewhere & pay out of pocket. I was pretty miffed & didn't end up booking but now I'm thinking I really should do it with them & bugger work. After all, this is more important, right?

It's so weird to be making important decisions & bookings so early. I feel like I'm barely pregnant & still trying to come to terms with it all. And I can't help but wonder what it's like for those who make all these plans & appointments only for it to turn out bad. What if their first early scan shows no heartbeat & the pregnancy not viable? How devastating it must be to have to call all these people back & tell them you have to cancel. God I hope I'm not one of them.

Still pregnant.. still shocked

Ok, so we're still pregnant. 5 weeks tomorrow to be exact! And yes, I'm still in shock!
For some reason, I thought once I got a BFP all my problems would be solved. Not exactly.
I am so anxious! I stupidly keep reading stories about women miscarrying early, or not finding a heartbeat on their ultrasound, or finding it's ectopic. Why do I read??

On the plus side I'm having a few slight pg symptoms which help to calm me down. My sense of smell was the first to kick in. I've almost yelled at the caretakers in my building twice now for using overpowering, toxic chemicals to clean in the corridor.. but then DH says he can hardly notice it! I have to stuff the gap under our door with a towel to stop the smell coming in. And to top it off they've just painted walls at work.. needless to say I have to run past with tissues over my nose & mouth!
And all this isn't helping the slight nausea I'm starting to experience. My stomach feels "empty" all the time & gurgles constantly. I have to eat regularly to feel better. So far so good. I also thought I'd be sleeping all the time but unfortunately I'm finding it hard to get to sleep. I also wake up early when I could actually sleep in. Most annoying. Now I'm just tired all the time & frustrated.
So far I don't have sore or veiny BBs, despite constant monitoring.
I think I look 5 months pg already.. still bloated since the start of my cycle!
And yes, my skin is still nasty. Today I noticed a pimple on my abdomen. What next!!!?
Well, time to attempt some sleep & happy dreams.
Ni-night x

ICSI #2 - 12dp5dt - We're preggers!!!!!!!!!

So, had the beta (blood test) this morning. I didn't mention that I'd already tested myself.. the nurse didn't ask & wasn't very chatty. They called me around midday today & said "Congratulations!". I went quiet. It's weird.. I mean, I knew already from the HPTs.. but to have it confirmed by the experts is a whole 'nother thing.

Very excited, very happy, very shocked, very numb, very exhausted. Finally, after 10 years of wishing, I finally have my POSITIVE! My Mum is elated.

Now, I was told to start considering which hospital & which OB I'd like to go to. Decisions decisions! It seems I have to make a decision ASAP. Any advice?? I have private health insurance, but do I go private & pay hefty bills? Do I go as a private patient in a public hospital? Or do I just go public? Should I keep my fertility specialist as my OB (he's a VERY busy man with many commitments) but he's local. I'm sure he'll be very expensive. I'm tossing up between Royal North Shore Hospital (private & public), the Mater, or Manly? I'm closer to the first two, unless we move to the Northern Beaches which we've been considering for some time.

Oh ladies please help me! My head is spinning!!!!

xx

Beta tomorrow

First beta (blood test) tomorrow - please wish me luck! DH won't get excited until it's confirmed by the clinic. I'm thinking of POASing again tomorrow morning before we go.. just to make QUADRUPLY sure I'm not rudely shocked by a negative result.

Fingers, toes & everything else crossed for a big number!!

ICSI #2 - 10dp5dt - HPT.. Still ++++!!!

Well, I haven't had any "symptoms" or "signs" for a few days now. Hence my obsessive compulsive POASing! I still have regular leaking from the Crinone (which is normal), and my skin is still a mess - it's not just on my face but on my neck & chest as well - YUCK! The Apple Cider Vinegar seems to be controlling it a little, but it's nowhere near fixing the problem. But hey - I'll live with it if it means I get results like this! ;-)

On another note, I got a letter from Medicare yesterday showing I get NO BENEFIT from the $7540 I forked out for my IVF cycle!!!!! Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh! It's a mistake of course. The explanation is "referring provider is closed". This came up in my last cycle for one of the other costs, but after calls back & forth, then personally going into the Medicare office, they finally just said it was a mistake & approved the rebate.

I called Medicare yesterday and they think my referring GP (who no longer works at the medical centre I went to) put the wrong provider number on my referral. When I called the IVF clinic they couldn't figure out what was wrong, and said they couldn't change the provider number anyway as this would affect other patients who were referred by the same doctor. She said she'd call me back. I'm still waiting. God I hate red tape!! Especially when I'm thousands of dollars down! Mega frustrated. Thank God my tests have been positive, otherwise I'd want to rip someone's head off... literally!

ICSI #2 - 8dp5dt - HPT.. OMG!

So, did another test this morning after stupidly reading Google posts that suggested my faint positive could have been the remnants of my Trigger shot. Well, Google, have I got news for you!!!

A DARKER line! Woo!

Hurry up Beta! Monday can't come soon enough.. When can I start C E L E B R A T I  N G !!!!?

ICSI #2 - 6dp5dt - HPT

Ok, I caved today. Despite reading bad things all morning about POAS! I peed into a container first thing this morn, then didn't test til lunchtime, and....
A very very faintest of faint positives!

Not sure whether to tell DP yet (we're working oppositive shifts so I won't see him for a couple of days). Don't want to get our hopes up in case it's a false positive. It was a First Response & I have another one so I think I'll test again in a few days. Beta blood test isn't until next Monday (6 days away).

Well here it is, let me know what you think:

ICSI #2 - 5dp5dt: Symptoms, Signs or Side Effects??

Why do pregnancy symptoms have to be so similar to AF signs & so close to progesterone side effects??? Ugh. OK.. here's my "complaints" so far, for the record.

* Lower abdominal & back cramping started today
(similar to onset of AF)

* Slight nausea yesterday & today

* Flu symptoms starting 2dp5dt but easing slightly - sore throat, stuffy nose, lethargic, also swollen glands/lymph nodes one side of neck & under chin

* Reflux

* Burping
(not unusual for me, but a little more excessive)

* Gas
(poor DP has to wear a mask before entering the bedroom :-0)

* Wet discharge for a few days now
(apparently this is probably the Crinone leaking out)

* Bloating
(started during stim phase & hasn't gone away)

* BAD acne!
(also started during stim phase, not abating)

Thinking about POAS (testing) tomorrow morning but I may chicken out. I want to live in hope for as long as I can, but also don't want false hope if it's negative, or unnecessary stress if it's positive. Who knows if it will even be correct?

I never thought I'd say this but: thank god I'm back at work tomorrow.. just to take my mind off it all for a while. Although I'd just be swapping one stress for another. Oh the confusion & insanity!! Save me now!

ICSI #2 - 1dp5dt - No Frostie Frustration

Lab called - none of the remaining 6 embryos are developing enough to freeze. So that's that. The lab tech tried to console me by saying the embryo they did transfer was an excellent one.

Now there's so much more pressure for this transfer to work. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning. Gorgeous DP just hugged me & let me cry. But then I finished, wiped my face & carried on with the rest of the day. It really sucks. Once again we're facing the possibility of another full fresh stim cycle if this one doesn't work. I have no idea how I'm going to get time off work again. I had a week & half this time & will undoubtably be facing questions when I return tomorrow. I'm trying to live in the here & now, and only worry one day at a time, but it's hard. I've got some major interstate events at work over the coming months & it's really going to be difficult to dedicate a few weeks at home to the process.

And to top things off, last night I was reading a book when I suddenly realised I hadn't inserted my Crinone yet! About 2hrs late! Is that a problem?? I don't know! Also I woke up this morning in a pool of sweat - I'd accidentally left my electric blanket on all night & I was really hot! I hope I haven't cooked my poor egg!

Today I went & bought some 100% grape juice & strawberries (for implantation apparently). I've read lots about pineapple cores but I'm worried it can also cause miscarriages. This is my vain attempt to claw back some control. I'm also going to try Apple Cider Vinegar for my skin again - it's still very red & angry. By god that stuff tastes highly offensive!!

You'd better still be going strong in there embie - you hear me? STICK!!!! Please.    


And sorry your mum's so forgetful! :-/

ICSI #2 - Embryo Transfer

Today we had one 5AA hatching blastocyst transferred. Feeling very positive & happy today :)

Have spent the day lying around on the couch snoozing, eating & watching rubbish television. Can I just say Sex & The City 2 IS rubbish! Enjoyable, but rubbish all the same. I digress.

DP came in with me for the transfer this time, upon my insistence. If we were going to make a baby together I wanted him to at least be present ;-) Last time I wasn't told he could come in with me so it was a bit sad & lonely. Anyway, our FS said we had one really good blastocyst (woohoo!) and the other 6 (I thought we only had 4 left) were developing slowly so they wanted to watch them overnight. I was a bit sad to hear this. When the lab called me yesterday they never indicated any were in doubt. I guess they slowed down overnight. I'm keeping everything crossed that they pick up & we're able to freeze some for a future FET.

This did bring up a question in my mind: my clinic usually only allows 1 embryo to transfer but if there's another one that's fairly weak & may not make it to freeze, why not transfer it as well? At least give it a chance under normal conditions? I hate the thought of them going to waste because they're not quite up to the freezing & thawing process. I know very occasionally women fall pregnant on average embryos so why not give them a go in a fresh cycle just in case? I might ask the clinic about this tomorrow if I remember....

ICSI #2 - Embie Update (4dpEC)

We're down to 5 compacting morulas today. The other 2 are a bit slow but "showing signs of compaction". We're booked in for the transfer tomorrow morning.

I was struggling a bit yesterday. I've luckily been given time off work for the procedures & to get some rest but I just can't relax! I was also feeling a bit short of breath & slightly wheezy. I'm not sure if it's just stress or a side effect of the Crinone.

I need to get out & do something today. Try to cheer myself up a bit.

Positive Affirmations (hear me out)

Now before you think I'm a hippy weirdo - I just want to preface this post by saying I was the most cynical of all IVF ladies out there. But in my opinion it doesn't hurt to try and be upbeat & positive, cos we all know this experience tries our strength & resolve to the absolute max! Since I've been saying these lines to myself at night (suggested to me by a non-IVF friend) good things have been happening. So as I'm stupidly superstitious I'm going to keep going. I thought I'd share them in case anyone else is interested. Enjoy :)

I trust my body.
New balance is coming to my body now.
My reproductive organs work in perfect harmony with my body to allow an easy conception.
My body knows how to conceive a healthy baby.

I allow new beginnings in my life.

I trust and I love myself.
I accept the gift of life within myself.

I willingly release old thinking patterns based on fear and self-doubt. I allow new ones based on love and self-confidence.
I now choose positive thoughts that nurture and support my life.
I accept the responsibilities of motherhood and I know I will rise to the occasion when the time comes.
I focus on the power of now.

I release fears about age and time.
I set my worries aside and I allow my body to do its job.
I surrender to the power of nature as I celebrate a new cycle of birth within myself.
I now release all emotional blocks that prevent me from conceiving a baby.
I now release all unwanted built-up emotional patterns that prevent me from connecting to my inner self.I am now becoming more and more confident about my ability to become a mother.
I now release all my fears and concerns about infertility and I declare myself fertile.
As my sadness lifts away a renewed sense of hope settles in my heart.

I welcome my time to be a parent.

I allow my creative energies to work through me and bring me a healthy pregnancy and baby.

I deserve the best outcome and with joy I am thankful of a new life.

I experience a profound connection to the miracle of life.

I now manifest my decision to have a baby.

FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE/WANT TO BELIEVE IN ANGELS

(I know, but hey - it can't hurt... unless someone overhears you ;-)

I ask the angelic healers to remove any block that prevents me from getting pregnant.
I surrender to the healing forces of the universe.
I ask Archangel Raphael to deeply heal my mind, body and soul now.
I ask the Angels for guidance and protection every day.
I am thankful for all I am and all I have. I am at peace.
I am thankful to God and the Angels for their help, protection and guidance.
I listen to my inner guidance and I act based upon my intuition.
I listen to subtle messages that the universe is sending me so that I can find the right therapy for my case.
I ask Archangel Michael to guide and protect me at all times.

ICSI #2 - Embie Update (3dpEC)

We still have 7!! Woohoo!! ;-)

As you can tell, I'm pretty happy about that. The lab called a little earlier today & woke me up. With fingers crossed I went through the usual procedure - telling them my date of birth - before they would give me the details. She said they're all dividing nicely as they should at this stage. And she said a couple were even reaching the morula stage which is fantastic! Woo! Last time I only ended up with 1 morula to transfer on Day 5, so this is STUPENDOUS news!

More positive thinking to be done today... it seems it's paying off ;-)

ICSI #2 - Embie Update (2dpEC)

Today we're down to 7 embryoes. One of yesterday's 8 was developing abnormally so that one's out of the race. I'm still feeling positive. It's still more than last time, & the lab tech said the remaining ones are "spot on", or "perfect", or something like that. Fingers crossed all 7 are still going strong tomorrow.

We finally ventured out of the house today. Just went for lunch at a place we haven't been to before. I'm still feeling a little tender in the abs & tummy region but on the mend. DP reckons he's had no pain whatsoever in the nether regions! He said "that's why they call me num(b) nuts!". Yep, he's funny.

More farting today, more zits (at least I could put some makeup on & hide the hideousness for a few hours!)

Happy happy thoughts.. blah blah ;-)

ICSI #2 - Embie Update (1dpEC)

Today we were told we have 8 eggs/embryos that fertilised successfully. So 10 becomes 9 becomes 8.. not too bad this time around. I'm fairly happy with that.

I'm not, however, happy with my face! It hurts & looks like a puss-ridden pizza.. ew! Sorry, TMI! I feel so ugly right now.. I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, as hard as it is. I'm also farting like a trooper! Needless to say I'm hiding out at home today.. no-one needs to be exposed to the monster I've become.

Time to get off the stupid computer & read a book or go through my positive affirmations. I need to refocus & get rid of this depressed feeling. It doesn't do anyone any good.

'Til tomorrow :-)

ICSI #2 - Egg Collection Day

Sorry I've been slack - to be honest I was a bit sick of my own obsessions & my own voice so I've not bothered posting much this time. And a few weird things have happened this round.. I'll post about that later.

Anyhoo, my EC was this morning! DP also had a TESE or TESA (not really sure which), but basically he was knocked out & had a fine needle inserted into his "boys" to suck some swimmers out. We're both recovering at home at the moment. I'm feeling a bit tender & it hurts when I get up from sitting, but that's to be expected and not so bad that I need pain relief. DP is feeling good - no pain in that area yet but I suspect the local anaesthetic will wear off by tomorrow & he may end up walking like a cowboy.

Everything went pretty similar to last time. However this time I had the added horror of a face full of very nasty angry-looking red zits!! The worst acne I've had for some time - ALL over my chin!! And no - you're not allowed to wear ANY makeup, even concealer, so leaving the house completely bare-faced was possibly worse than the injections AND the operations put together!

So, we get to the clinic (Ms Pizza Face & her clear-complexioned partner). Unfortunately DP still isn't covered for his op by private health insurance as he hasn't served the waiting period... therefore his op cost $1064 so far :-0. At least I was ready for it this time, and I know to expect all the other bills in the mail - anaesthetist, Dr FS fee etc. instead of it being a very nasty surprise. DP & I were admitted & got to "room" together which was nice. He waited there for about half an hour (we think) whilst I had my eggies sucked out, then he was led to the operating room for his procedure. I had just woken up in Recovery & saw him walk past the doorway. He was away for about half an hour to 45 mins whilst I sat in our room to continue recovering & eat the yummy bickies.

Well not much more to tell about the ops themselves. The nurses let us catch a taxi home as we explained all our family & friends live interstate. They usually insist you have an escort but that was pretty difficult in our case.

So we got an update from the lab early this afternoon - of the 10 eggs they collected (we got 11 last time), 7 were mature.. but after a little while 2 others matured also. So, we ended up with 9 mature eggs (we only got 5 last time)! They got enough wriggling sperm from DP to inject all 9 eggs & freeze some for next time if required :)

All-in-all I'm a happy lady. It's still early days but I'm hoping all the positive thinking, chanting & good nutrition are going to hold us & our embies in good stead.

Fingers crossed & happy happy thoughts!!!!!!! ;-)

x

Antagonizing Cycle

OK.. firstly - LOVE this cycle! So far anyway. It's so much quicker & also easier that I take 2 injections at the same time once a day. On the Long Down Reg it was hard using the nasal spray in the morn, then injection at night, 12 hours apart. Everything's happening & moving along at a speedy pace.

What I DON'T love are these horrendous headaches! Correction: this ONE horrendous 3-day-long headache! Sooooo over it! And my head is hot, and I feel blah, and I'm constipated.. a little bit. I forgot what these nasty (but necessary) hormones can do to you.

And this dildocam business is getting old. Not a fan. Never will be. It's not natural (ironic, I know).

Was highly stressed tonight. Had to give a lift to & from work to one of my lovely colleagues. Unfortunately we were driving home right at the time my injections were due. I couldn't exactly pull over in the tunnel & excuse myself while I grab for my needles. Therefore I was 25 mins late to do them when I got home. Talk about panic! Thank goodness for Dr Google though - apparently as long as it's done within the hour I should be fine. Relief. Can go back to being just averagely neurotic now.

My head hurts. Off to bed to read a non-IVF, non-pregnancy, non-baby related novel. A forced mind break.

Here We Go Again..

I'm back.. sorry, it's been a while. You'll be glad to know I've spent the 3 months off IVF treatment, just having a good time. We went on a holiday to Darwin with DP's family & I drank like a fish! Figured I may as well make the most of the time off & enjoy a lovely vino.. or 10! I drowned Dry July!

But today it begins again. I dub thee AA August (1 day early!)

AF turned up dead on time yesterday so back to the clinic today for a blood test, collect my meds & sign away my life... or the next month at least. Oh how rusty I feel! The nurse was a bit stern with me on the phone yesterday. It seems I should have called earlier to organise the paperwork & get an appointment yesterday. Ooops! Naughty me! I felt like a kid getting told off by the teacher. When it's your first cycle the staff are all very calm & patient with you. But God forbid you're an experienced IVF-er & you forget a few simple things!

I was a little panicked when she pushed the Gonal-F pack in my direction & sped through the cycle chart with a brief explanation. I had to ask her to go through it again as it had been a while. I'm sure she was rolling her eyes in her mind. I can't retain too much information okay! As soon as I learn something new I forget the old stuff. And it's been a busy few months at work. Plus, ahem, I'm doing the Antagonist cycle this time, instead of the Long Down Reg, don't you know.

I was also stressing about choosing an injection time for tonight. Once you pick you're locked in! I had to look through my rosters for the next 2 weeks to check when I may be free every night. I hope I've picked well or I'll have to come up with some creative excuses to run to the bathroom with secret object in hand!! Ugh. This shiftwork is seriously non-conducive to a cycle. Have I mentioned that already??? Injection went fine. Just like riding a bike. Did it on my own like a pro. Like the veteran I was supposed to be this morning.

OK, well off to bed to continuing reading "Legs Up And Laughing". I love it. So well written. So relate-able. Wish I could be that entertaining for my readers. Ha. All I get is spam feedback.. and sadly I get excited about that! Goodnight x

It's Over - even before the BFN.

No more waiting. I'm not pregnant.

I had to travel interstate for work. I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. I felt nauseous, had veiny boobs, trouble sleeping, cried at the drop of a hat, acne breakout, but had no AF cramping. So I bought a pregnancy test. I brought it back to the hotel room and, as it was an early detection one, I tested that afternoon. Unfortunately I couldn't pee much so I barely wet the stick. Nothing happened for a while. I left it for about 30 mins & when I looked there was a bold test line & nothing else. But I figured that was only because I didn't pee enough. I figured I'd test first thing in the morning.

The next morning I went to the loo, only to find my period had just started. Bright red blood. No chance of this being implantation spotting or anything like that. I still have the stupid beta blood test tomorrow, for what it's worth.

Damn.

I'm numb. I haven't even cried about it. I sent a text to DP as I didn't want to wake him up. He called me back straight away and was really caring & lovely about it. He was disappointed too.

Back to the drawing board. I don't know why I let myself be positive. I'm always better being pessimistic, cos then I'm not too disappointed.

We'll try again. But for now I have to take a month's break before the Doc will let me try again.

Talk to you soon.

Letter to my Un-Pregnant Self

If you get that dreaded BFN I want you to remember these things:

* You still have a great life

* You have a boyfriend that loves you

* You have a family that loves you

* You have a great job

* You can drink wine again!

* You can relax for a while

* You can stop googling symptoms

* You can eat whatever you like, use wheatbags whenever you like, use a sauna if you like..

* You can stop injecting for a while

* You can stop sniffing for a while

* You can stop squirting nasty hormones up your vajajay for a while

* You won't have a bloated tummy for a while

* You can have sex if, and whenever, you like

* You don't have to make appointments for a while

* You don't have to hide things from your workmates, family, friends for a while

* You are fortunate that you can try again

* Your Dr now knows more about your cycle & how you react to the drugs.. it will be better next time

Don't lose hope. Keep your eye on the prize. But don't let it consume you.

Your child will find you.. when it's the right time.

Ramblings of a madwoman.. (only 1dp5dt)

Cramping today.. tummy & back. Implantation, I hear you ask?? Hmm.. maybe that's just me.

Google is not my friend today. It giveth, then taketh away. My head is jumbled up with good signs, which could also be bad signs, which could also just be symptoms of the Crinone.

Give me strength!! I think I was happier when I thought there was no way this one was going to work! The hope is more heart-wrenching.. the faith more fearful.

I'm not sure whether to clear my head, or clutter it with everything else to bury these thoughts.

Why can't they invent something that shows what's going on in your uterus at any given time? I'd give anything to see if my morula is a blastocyst, if it's implanted or floating.. or if it's still there at all.

Am I mad? Methinks you ain't seen nuthin' yet!!

PUPO!

OK.. so had embryo transfer today. Have mixed feelings. The doc didn't sound too optimistic that it would take. The only embie I had left was still only at the morula stage today, & the odds of those ones working are lower than if they are blastocysts. But I've spent all day & night googling "day 5 morula transfers" and there's a few BFP's out there, not many, but a few nonetheless.

The procedure itself was fairly quick & straight forward. Followed doc into a "clean room" or something like that, with a weird security door, instructions everywhere about putting the blue medical bag things over your shoes & putting the sexy blue hat on. Just stripped the bottom half of my clothing off & put a backless gown on. Then when I was ready I pressed the security button which let me into the next room. No-one was in there, just a stirrupped chair, stool for doc & a TV screen. I heard muffled voices in the lab next door and another room no doubt like this where another woman was having the same procedure. I saw her go in earlier.. she was wearing orange shoes. I smirked. I didn't feel so silly in my orange top after that ;-)

So doc came in, prepped me as if I was having a pap smear, & called out to the lab tech on speaker phone that he was ready. She put my petri dish on the TV screen to show my name & DOB, and then the embryo, to assure me they had MY embryo & not someone elses. She then came in with a catheter, which the doc inserted into me. The tech took it back to the lab, put it under the microscope & checked the embryo was gone. All done!

On the way home I told DP about the lack of optimism by the doc. DP said not to give up on this one, it could still be the one. It was then that the lyrics "don't give up on me baby" came on the radio. Can't remember the name of the song. But I pointed it out & DP said "there you go!".

So let's just say I'm hopeful, but trying not to get my hopes up. Not sure if that makes sense but it's working for me so far. The rest of the 2ww could be another matter.

Pregnant... until proven otherwise ;-)

And Then There Was 1..

One lonely embryo has made it through.

I'm numb. The odds are against us. I'm already thinking to the next attempt. I hope I can get straight into the next cycle. Should I be thinking positive about this round? Probably. But I can't. I don't think I could handle the disappointment if I got my hopes up. I just want to get this over with.

Transfer tomorrow 9.10am. A mere $7540 taken off my credit cards today. The hellish 2ww (2 weeks waiting) ahead of me. It's going to be torture. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for all this. I don't know how women can do 5, 6, 10 attempts. How am I going to get through this one, let alone a second?

I'm trying to remember what my life was like before all of this obsession. I vaguely recall it was great & I loved it. But now it seems so meaningless. I need to find something to hold on to.. for my sanity. I need to rediscover my obsession for my DP, he deserves more from me. He doesn't deserve a moody, snapping dragonlady who can only converse about eggs, sperm & baby names. He still remembers who I was. I just need him to remind me.

1 good egg.. and a couple of stragglers

Today we have 1 good egg.

The clinic called me this morning.. a lot earlier than I'd expected. She told me we have 1 very good egg which has divided into 10 cells. The other 2 are only at about 3 cells each, so hopefully they're gonna get going overnight & make us proud! By this stage they should be between about 6 and 10 cells so at least we have one excellent specimen.

My moods are all over the place. I'm taking the news surprisingly well, considering only the other day I lost it about having 3 eggs left! I just don't get myself ;-) I've been so restless at home.. bored stiff. Despite still being a touch sore I just HAD to go to the shops for something to do. Unfortunately the whole of Sydney decided to join me! It was crazy! The shops had only been shut for 1 day, you'd think they'd been shut for a month!!

I bought a massive tin of Sustagen (the Hospital Formula with Fibre). Apparently the protein helps with the bloating & helps to avoid OHSS - Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome. I was bummed I couldn't find any blueberries in Coles, I guess it's no longer the season so I'll have to go without for a while.

Well I really hope I have some great news to share tomorrow.. I would be over the moon to have a great embie to implant, and a couple of others to freeze, but who knows? Please wish me luck.. if there's anyone out there...

Easter Sunday.. & embie update

Firstly, Happy Easter!

I had to work today, and a 10hr shift at that. Poo! It was my first day back after the EPU & I was still feeling a bit sore & sorry for myself. I thought I'd be better by then but no such luck. Oh well, I battled through. Nobody asked what was wrong with me, despite me hobbling around very slowly. I was given a bit of a hard time for not working on the day of my op, but I just said I had something on that was personal, and left it at that.

The clinic called while I was working & I had to call them back later. I was dying to find out about my embies!! The scientist said my 3 were dividing nicely and looking good. The one that wasn't fertilising still hadn't done anything so that looked like a dud. Oh well, feeling a little more positive about it today after a meltdown yesterday. As DP said - good things come in 3's.

I started the dreaded Crinone gel last night. "Administering" it wasn't as bad as I'd envisaged. I'm a little concerned about the side effects listed on the pamphlet, and widely discussed on fertility forums. Things such as depression.. my favourite is "feelings of unworthiness". Great. Can't wait. I've told DP about it.. he's really angry they list such negative things & thinks it puts bad thoughts into people's heads. I'm trying to get through to him that it's listed for a reason. And I told him for a reason - so he could look out for me & make sure I don't go over the edge!

OK.. must go & lie down for a while now. On top of the stomach pain, the bloating & the gas pains I'm also reaaaaaally blahhh from TOOOOO MUCHHHH CHOCOLAAAAATE!!! Ugh.

Embie Update

Got the call from the scientist.. a lot earlier than expected.

She said out of the 5 eggs that were injected, 1 fertilised abnormally, 1 hasn't fertilised YET, and the other 3 fertilised. She said it's fairly common for abnormal fertilisation, that everyone will get that at some point, so not to worry. They'll watch the one that hasn't fertilised overnight to see if it's just a bit sluggish.

So, I'm feeling a bit deflated but trying to stay positive about the 3 hopefuls. "It only takes one" keeps echoing around my head. Ideally I'd like some to freeze but I shouldn't be too greedy.

C'mon embabies! Mummy can't wait to take you home.. hang in there, PLEASE!!! xxx

Eggies Collected!

Well hello! Yesterday was a big day! In short - 11 eggs collected - 5 mature & fertilised using ICSI.

Sorry if this account is very detailed but I didn't want to leave any details out in case any of it is of interest to others about to undergo the procedure.

We arrived at the clinic about 7.35am, tired & hungry, & went to reception. We had more forms to fill in *yawn* & forgot DP would also have to complete admission forms as he was on "standby" for another testicular biopsy. After all that, DP drove home to drop the car off & walk back as neither of us would be allowed to drive home if we both had surgeries. I waited about 2mins when a nurse collected me & took me downstairs to the day surgery ward.

The ward is quite small & luckily I'd been there before to pick up DP after his first biopsy so it felt familiar. I was told to go to the toilet first, then taken into a cubicle to undress, put on the sexy backless hospital gown, & thankfully a warm fluffy towelling robe over the top! Oh, & don't forget the fetching blue shower cap! I sat down where the lovely nurse placed a warm blanket over me. She then wheeled over a heater with a big ducting tube coming out of it & popped the tube under my blanket to keep me even warmer! I had to keep my left arm under there too as this is the hand they'll put the cannular (tube for medicine) in later, and if your hand's warm the veins will pop up to make it easier to put in.

I then answered a bunch of questions & confirmed things I'd already written on my admission form, given a pile of old magazines to keep me amused, and left to my own devices for about 10 minutes. Then the anaesthetist came & asked me MORE questions. I expressed my concern over feeling sick & dizzy after previous operations.. but he assured me this was a much less invasive surgery with lighter anaesthetic used so he was quite confident I'd be fine. He said he'd take note of that anyway. I started to feel a bit better.

After this the anesthetist's assistant came &, you guessed it, asked me MORE questions again! Then my FS popped in to see if I had any question FOR HIM! I couldn't think of anything (my mind was blank) so he said "just make it work, huh?" I nodded enthusiastically so he said OK & ducked out again. Next minute he ducked back in to double check what was happening with the sperm? I was a bit disconcerted by this question & thought HE must know surely? But I figured he has so many patients I cut him some slack. I told him DP was on standby just in case his frozen spermies don't thaw well.

I waited some more (no idea how long as I didn't have a watch with me) before I was led along the corridor to the theatre. I was pretty bloomin' nervous by this stage! I'd had a few surgeries before in my life but I don't think it makes the lead-up any easier.

I walked in, took my robe off & hopped up to lay on the table. The anaesthetist took my left hand to put the cannular in & my FS asked me to say my name & date of birth "as a diversionary tactic only". Haha. Funny. Next minute the anesthetist put an oxygen mask over my nose & mouth and.... I was out to it! Don't remember a thing!

I was lying there on the table still when I started coming to. I noticed another lady on a table to my left, talking to the nurse in a groggy voice. She was asking how many eggs she had. Oh my god! That's right! I quickly pulled my hand out from under the blanket to see what number was taped to my palm - 11. I was just happy at this stage that it wasn't 0! I heard the nurse say to the other lady that she had 8. This made me happier. Sorry, just being honest.

The nurse noticed I was awake & asked how I was. I felt fantastic! No pain! So after a short time she got me to hop off the table & walk slowly to a cubicle. I was a bit unsteady on my feet but she supported me. I sat on a recliner chair with a blanket over me & snacked on some sweet biscuits, cheese & crackers, water and a cup of tea. It was bliss. I was marvelling at how great I felt, a little slow & groggy, but no pain!

The lovely nurse kept checking on me so I asked if she knew about DP's op yet? She double checked with admissions upstairs & said they were still waiting to find out. I was worried about poor DP sitting up there for ages, bored stiff! And I was sitting down here, bored stiff too! I was tempted to ask if he could come & wait with me, seeing as he would have to come down to the same place to get ready for op anyway. But I didn't.

Ages later the ward doorbell rang & DP came in! He said he was told upstairs that he didn't need another biopsy, they were going to use his frozen sperm. It was fantastic news! Not only because I didn't want him to go through another surgery, but it was going to cost us another $1008 plus Drs fees!! Say no more.

So DP walked back home, picked up the car, came back & took me home. I laid on the couch for the rest of the day, bored stiff, but trying to relax. As the day went on I started getting pain. I guess the anaesthetic was wearing off dammit. The longer I laid down the harder it was to get back up. When I walked I was doubled over like a hunchback. It wasn't terrible, but it was like really bad cramps. I was also a little constipated but I'm not sure if I couldn't go just because it hurt to push (sorry if TMI!). I've also got sore sensitive nipples (again TMI) but they've been this way for a few days, before EPU, so I'm guessing it's just the drugs.

Late afternoon one of the scientists called me to tell me the news. I had 11 eggs collected, of which 6 were immature & useless. The remaining 5 were mature & therefore injected with a sperm each. She said someone would ring me again tomorrow (today) and let me know their progress.

So, here I am today, still a little sore but not as bad as yesterday. I've had some success in the bathroom so things are "moving" along well ;-) I'm trying to stay occupied by watching numerous baby programs on Discovery Home & Health, and surfing baby/conception forums on the net. God help me, I'm obsessed!!

Fingers crossed those embies have been developing well overnight. I'm trying not to think about them 'cos it makes me extremely anxious. Not much I can do for them now, except drink my pineapple juice & rest up!

I'll check back later with the news.

Going Nutty

On a side note.. having some weird lower abdominal pain over the last couple of days. Feels like it's my bladder. I need to "go" all the time & even 1 min afterwards I feel like I need to go again. I feel like I'm about to burst! I hope it's just lots of happy follicles waiting for the doc to suck them all out. Also feeling quite tired. I'm sleeping quite long hours, despite waking a few times to go to the loo.. which is VERY unusual for me. I normally have a cast iron bladder & used to be able to wait for hours!

I went to the shops yesterday & bought some more potions. I succumbed & bought some prenatal vitamins - "Elevit with Iodine". I know my doc didn't think I needed to bother but I'm worried I might be missing out on an important mineral in my diet, so I may as well take them all as a kind of insurance.

I also bought some Metamucil as one of the nurses suggested, to ward off the inevitable constipation. But after I got it home I noticed one of the ingredients is aspartame. I've read a lot on the net about this nasty substance & how it can cause miscarriages & birth defects just to mention a few side effects! So needless to say DP & I decided I shan't be taking it. I'll be investing in bags of prunes from now on I think!

I also bought some new tea - Rooibos (pron. Roy-boss), which is naturally caffeine free. I've heard other caffeine free teas use nasty chemicals to remove the caffeine & they often have a small percentage still left anyway. So I started on the new tea yesterday & today. Shocking headache yesterday! I think I was going through withdrawal!!! But today all good. I bought the one with "a hint of vanilla" and it's lurrrrrvley!! I don't even need sugar so it's like a two-for-one!

On top of all that I also bought some sunflower seeds & pepitas. They apparently contain some awesome vitamins that are useful during conception. I've mixed them into my breakfast cereal. Unfortunately I've run out goji berries & blueberries at the moment so will have to go back to the shops tomorrow. Who knows what I'll come home with next! No wonder they say IVF is so expensive - it's not just the clinical stuff, it's all the other rubbish you convince yourself you absolutely NEED as well!! Gawd, I'm such a nutter! ;-)

Pulling the Trigger

Getting excited now!!

A nurse called from the clinic this afternoon.. one I haven't spoken to before. She had a very odd way of speaking. "So we've got you booked for the egg collection, nehhhhh.. and we need you to fast for six hours before, nehhhhhhh". Very strange. Almost like she was drawing a loud breath in at the end of every sentence. Highly distracting. Anyway. I digress.

So I'm booked in for EPU this Friday! I have to be at the clinic by 7.40am for my 8.40am surgery. Therefore she told me to do my trigger injection (Ovidrel) at 8.40pm tonight (it has to be 36hrs prior to collection so the eggs are mature but haven't been released yet). DP did the injection for me but I prepped the syringe. Luckily it's pre-filled & pre-mixed.. no muss no fuss! But one of the nurses told me the other day to get rid of the air bubble by slowly squeezing the syringe.. unfortunately I did it a tad too quick & a little bit squirted out the top! Now I'm stressing I've wasted some. Hopefully I didn't lose too much! Anyway, the injection was fine despite what I'd read. Not painful & not much different to the gonal-f injections. So.. no more nasal spray & no more nightly injections (for now)! Woohoo! Unfortunately I will have to start the Crinone gel from Saturday night... I'm definitely NOT looking forward to that! I'm also due to go in for the embryo transfer next Wednesday - reaaaaalllly hope we have one awesome embie to put back!! Eek!

The nurse also told us DP was booked in for HIS biopsy operation at 10am. I had to interrupt her & confirm that he wasn't definitely having an op, it's only if his previous sperm sample doesn't thaw well, right?? She dismissively said yes, yes, but he needs to fast as well, and be ready for his op at that time. If they have to cancel him at the last minute they will. Now I'm stressing that she sounded too sure he was going to have to be opened up again. I'm not really keen on that. I already feel bad for what I've put him through already.. plus we will have to organise someone else to pick us up from the clinic on the day as we may both have to have anaesthetic, therefore no-one will be able to drive home. Huge bugger. DP reckons he'll be fine to drive anyway, and is full of bravado. There's no way I'm getting in a car with him with anaesthetic still in his bloodstream! He's scary enough on a normal day!! So I'm making him call our only friends in the state tomorrow to ask if they'd mind being on standby. Doh.

Very eventful day. Also caught up with my interstate brother & his wife briefly this morning. They just arrived back from their honeymoon cruise & were about to drive a few hours away to spent some time with her sister. My SIL was very excitedly showing off her sis's ultrasound pic she got sent to her phone, and saying how ecstatic she was to finally be a "real aunty". I tried really hard to look happy for her, and I am, but worried people can see through my face to my aching heart.

When will it be MY turn finally?? It's hard to be patient when you've wanted something for 10 years & others can get it after thinking about it for 5 minutes.

Feeling optimistic

Oddly, I'm feeling blah today but newly optimistic at the same time!

Went for my blood test & first ultrasound today. Had to get a colleague in to cover me in the control room so I could dash out for my appointment.. have I mentioned how awkward all these things are for a shiftworker? Anyway, I digress. The nurse did my scan (with the "dildo cam"!) and said I was responding well - lots of follicles (no idea how many) but they're still small, and my endometrial lining was still too thin. But as my oestrogen levels were still rising she thought I might be ok for egg collection this Friday! Stoked! Then she gave me my trigger injection & progesterone gel to take home.

Later today my nurse called again. She said my blood test results were good and my Doc is so happy with them that I don't need another appointment on Wednesday. They'll just call me later that arvo to discuss what time I need my trigger shot and what time my surgery is on Friday.

This all works out well for DP. He's on RDOs Friday & Saturday so he will be available to tend to me. However, he also has to fast on the day in case his frozen spermies don't thaw well & he has to have another biopsy. We'll have to call on the only friends we've told to see if they can be our standby taxi on the day!

My boss has had to organise a colleague to fly from interstate so she can cover for me on Friday. This is not ideal as it will draw attention to my day off & is costing the company money in flights & accommodation. I don't think I'll be very popular. Oh well. I'm also meant to be working a 10hr day on Sunday.. fingers crossed I'll feel well enough by then as there's no-one else available to do the shift for me! This whole situation isn't really helping my stress levels.

Rambling now.. dog tired.. time for a kip on the couch I reckon.

Freakin control freak

Well I've got 15 minutes until I have to spray & inject and then I can go to bed! Time for a quick update.

Last time I wrote here I was feeling pretty down. Today I'm still a bit low but not so much negative & depressed, just a bit over everything. Still, I'm trying to remain positive. Just had a lovely cuddle with DP so that's cheered me up ;-)

I had another blood test yesterday & the nurse called to say my figures were going fantastically and the Dr was very happy with them. She was a lot chirpier on the phone than the last nurse so that helped my mood. I'll be going for another test & my first ultrasound on Monday in my lunchbreak. Fingers crossed I've got lots of good quality follicles!

It's estimated I'll be having my embryo collection next Friday or the following Monday. My boss has someone on standby to fly in from interstate and fill in for me if it's Friday. I'm really hoping that's not the case so I don't draw attention, although I would personally prefer not to be waiting longer than necessary.

It's so frustrating to have these things out of your control! I'm a control freak so this whole process is torture to me! I'm used to making things happen how & WHEN I want them to. I really need to work out how to just "let go".

Time for my next "hit" now. Goodnight x

Work is hard work

Feeling a bit down today.

Had a call from one of the IVF nurses to say I should keep going with all the meds as per normal for now but I will only need a blood test on Friday, not an ultrasound. When I asked why she said my oestrogen levels aren't as high as they'd like, so there's probably not much to look at yet. Therefore I'll probably have the scan on the Monday instead. I'm disappointed because they'd originally estimated at the start of my cycle that I'd be having the egg retrieval on Monday. Looks like I'm behind the eight ball already :-(

I'm also disappointed because I finally told my boss about everything & had to give her an idea of dates I'd need off for egg collection & transfer. My job is really inflexible & the rosters are written a couple of weeks in advance, so I can't really change my RDOs without inconveniencing others in my department. I know if you're "sick" you're sick but I still stress about it. And I didn't want to draw attention to myself by changing around the rosters. My colleagues might start asking questions. Damn it!

I can stop stressing: stress is ok!

Woohoo! Thank goodness for that. I DO have a chance ;-)

Study: Stress Doesn't Hinder IVF Success Rates

Magic Potions

I'm getting a bit psycho about nutrition now. After researching my butt off, I've gone & spent a fortune on weird & wonderful potions in the hope that at least ONE of them has the magic ingredient for a successful pregnancy. Being the cynic I am (I was trained at uni to question EVERYTHING) I know I'm being ridiculous.. but now I'm having a kind of internal tussle between my rational & intelligent old self, and my desperate & irrational new self!

I've been taking iron tablets for a couple of years now due to anaemia. I used to take iron & vitamin C which worked well and kept me fit & strong. I've now switched to iron & folate tablets, but wondering whether I should have gone the popular prenatal vitamin route to cover me for everything?? I eat a fairly balanced diet so my FS didn't think it was necessary but the doubt has now set in. I've also been taking Omega 3 fish oil capsules for a while to help my aching joints. I've heard this can be helpful during IVF so that's a bonus!

So on top of these "normal" potions, I'm embarrassed to say I've bought Goji berries. I read somewhere that they're full of excellent antioxidants which do something for cell formation or something or other. Who knows? But they COULD be the one thing that help me get pregnant! I've also bought Flaxmeal, full of Omega 3 & fibre. On top of helping keep the aches at bay, and keeping me regular, it could ALSO be the one key to success. Oh, and I just found some zinc tablets in my cupboard & the label says they're good for the reproductive system. Gulp, down they go! Someone else said on the net that organic is good during IVF, so out I go for 3 boxes of super expensive organic muesli. I heard you should keep your belly warm before egg retrieval so I'm heating up my wheat pack every 10 minutes!

Now this is where I contradict myself. I'm currently downing a packet of water crackers smothered in chicken liver pate. I had a craving, and I figure I won't be able to eat this sort of stuff if & when I'm pregnant so may as well enjoy it now! And they say to limit your caffeine intake. I'm not a coffee drinker but I'm still having my 1 cup of tea in the morning, then decaf for the rest of the day. I'm smashing chocolate bars like they're going out of fashion but I refuse to believe there's any caffeine in them! I'm also hunched over the computer keyboard with very bad posture, which is also a no-no according to the IVF gods... but writing a blog is therapeutic so it cancels it out, right??

Hmmm.. ok well I've just re-read that line & decided I really need to get outside, exercise & enjoy some sunshine before Winter sets in. That way I can spend the rest of the day on the computer guilt-free.

Bye for now xxx

Funny video - THOSE thoughtless comments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=mm9b6C9hBZ4

Getting Started: those awesome meds!

So, I found a reputable fertility specialist not far from home & told him our whole story (so many obstacles but he didn't say it was impossible!). As suspected, he's suggested we try ICSI which is where they inject a single sperm into a single egg. This method is useful where there's a male factor. So darling DP was scheduled for an open testicular biopsy where they cut a small incision & retrieved some semen. The lab assistant found some sperm so doc closed him up & sent him to recovery. Very quick & fairly painless according to DP. We signed some forms to agree to freezing the sperm for use during my cycle.

A few days later I spoke to the FS who said DP's sperm wasn't great but was ok enough to be frozen. He thinks it shouldn't be a problem but said DP would have to be on "standby" to go back for a biopsy on the day of my egg collection if the spermies don't thaw well. This means we will both have to fast on the day (torture!) and may need someone else to pick us up from the clinic as we'll both be drowsy :-/ I felt like I'd been kicked in the guts when he told me this. But it's just a minor setback & I'm now trying to remain positive.

So I got back in touch with the IVF clinic. They started me on Synarel nasal spray whilst I was still on the birth control pill (called a crossover). I then stopped the pill when they told me to, stayed on the spray & waiting for my period. That came a few days after & was a lot heavier & longer than usual. On day 4 of my period I went back to the clinic where the nurse took another blood test & gave me the Gonal-F injections in this nifty easy-to-use pen. Another nurse rang me that afternoon to say my blood test was good & I should start the injections that night.

I should also say at this point that I am a shiftworker in television production. Those of you who are also shiftworkers will know what I mean when I say this process is an inconvenient bi-atch! The amount of times already that I've had to do a quick squirt up a nostril in a control room is ridiculous! One day I was sniffling & trying to stifle a sneeze after doing a quick spray under the desk.. the Director ask me if I was ok so I just said I had hayfever. Well then he pulled out every thinkable cold & flu drug out of his bag & shoved them at me, and even insisted I go to his car after work with him so he could give me his antihistimine!! I kept telling him I was ok & I'd just used a nasal spray. So much for being discreet & no-one would be the wiser! LOL

The day I had to start injections I was also working off-station. We were running late so I had to bolt to my car afterwards & basically "shoot up" & "snort" right there in the carpark!! I was worried Security were going to come & tap on my window! I had a little giggle to myself. What else can ya do huh? Luckily the needle is so fine I can barely feel it going in! That's a plus!!

Anyway, here I am on Day 4 of the injections & still spraying. I have to say, and sorry if this is TMI, but my farts are HORRENDOUS!! I was worried when I read posts about the awful spray & how bad it tastes, but that's NOTHING compared to the farts during the injection phase! My DP says when my bowels open I "unleash Hell". I love him. Because he still loves me despite my horrific smells ♥ ♥ ♥

Off to bed shortly. That's probably enough waffling for now. I'll write more when I have more to report. xxx

My Fertility History

OK. Post number 1. Where to start?

Perhaps I should begin by telling you a bit of my fertility history. This is it in a nutshell: I got married at 24 & started trying about 6 months after that. Was totally obsessed with having a baby! After about 12 months of trying I consulted my GP who referred me to a gynaecologist. Through blood tests & ultrasounds he diagnosed me with Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) & Endometriosis. I went in for a laparoscopy where he lasered off the endo, drilled my ovaries & then put me on Clomid to produce more eggs. We had no luck after another 6 months of trying. My relationship was breaking down by that point so we abandoned the whole thing, and eventually each other. (*Pls note this wasn't due to the fertility issues, we had MUCH bigger issues than that!)

I'm now 35 (eek!) & have been living with my gorgeous new man for about 6 years and having the time of our lives after moving interstate. He's 15 years older than me & already has two older children from his previous marriage. Coming to this point has been a long emotional journey already as he was understandably apprehensive about entering fatherhood later in life & had a vasectomy after the second child. Anyway, we're finally in a great place & he is even feeling excited about being a dad again. Yay! I can get started!!! ;-)