Happy

I just wanted to drop a quick post here to let you all know, despite further attempts, we didn't get our second child. I had a couple of chemical pregnancies but nothing more. It took a lot of rounds but I finally got to the point where I realised I was already happy. The last round sealed it for me. We just tried a IUI with our leftover frozen sperm as I couldn't bear to go down the medication route again. But even so, the stress of the rollercoaster was something I definitely didn't miss! I knew I was done. And I actually started worrying about "what if" I was pregnant! My husband was made redundant so we're moving across the country to be closer to our families and so our son can start school over there next year. A new baby would seriously have caused a lot more stress. Don't get me wrong, of course we would have loved it and worked things out, but I'm more than ok with our lot in life. My son is absolutely gorgeous, full on, demanding and amazing!! He's about all I can handle and I'm happy devoting all my love and attention to him for the rest of my life. I'm lucky. I'm happy. And I'm done.

Wishing you all everything you hoped for!
xxx

2ww "symptoms" so far

I've never felt right about posting my "symptoms" in case a reader relies on them - either getting depressed that they don't experience the same things, or getting false hope from them. God knows I read enough forums & blogs myself, so I'm a bit of a hypocrite. But so many times I've had what I was sure were BFP symptoms, only to get AF right on time. So perhaps that will help others to see symptoms can go either way? I've also been using Ovidrel (same as trigger) for post EC support, which can be responsible for some things. Having said all that, here goes:

1-3dp5dt - nothing much.. perhaps a little fleeting nausea, burping, bit of heartburn, occasional abdominal cramps (but could all be in my imagination), ongoing sensitive nipples (they were sore before EC so probably due to medications), vivid dreams about being chased/attacked & defending myself, tired, 1 bit of stringy CM on TP on day 3 (very pale brown colour)

4dp5dt - no more nausea but a little short of breath, tiny bit of burping & heartburn, tired, lots of pains behind my belly button, strong sense of smell, trouble getting to sleep

5dp5dt - constant pains behind & slightly above my belly button (like needles) & a little bit itchy?, some slight occasional cramping & tightness in my abs and also low down, not a strong sense of smell anymore, gurgling stomach when lying down, lots of sneezing (but possibly due to smoke from a local backburn), possibly more veins in boobs but not sure if I'm looking too hard, slightly tender boobs, a few extra pimples on chin but not unusual for approaching AF. Forgot about transfer & lifted hubby's barbell today to move it for vacuuming - stupid!! Difficulty getting to sleep - stuffy nose, slightly wheezy, coughing, uncomfortable, throbbing pulse.

6dp5dt - after all those "symptoms" yesterday, today was a non-event, apart from waking up with AF type pains, then having a mild ache in my hips and lower back & an extra giant zit on my forehead (both of which are my usual signs of impending AF). Undie inspections are in full swing.

7dp5dt - AF-type cramps in my tummy ALL.FREAKIN.DAY! Torture. Went to the loo about 50 times to "check", as well as 3 lots of number two's (surely that's a lot in one day!). Chin absolutely covered in zits. Mild sore throat on & off. Depressed. Emotional. Fearful. Can't stop thinking about how I'm feeling & when AF will rear its ugly head to tear my heart out. As shitty as this experience is, I want to stop time. Let hope linger a little longer. Last cycle on similar medications my period started day 30 (the day before my 40th bday in Fiji).. day 30 is tomorrow. Tomorrow.

8dp5dt - continuing cramps, on & off. They vary in location from being lower down like AF to upper abs, to hips & lower back. Face looks like a pizza. Slight sore throat. Have tried to go to bed early but now have a headache, earth shattering burbs & feel blah. Undie check is hourly, with "that feeling" leading to multiple false alarms. I'm tired.. of running to the bathroom. Boobs don't look or feel any different. Don't feel that nauseous. Appetite hasn't increased. Sense of smell isn't any stronger. And I'm actually glad.. there's nothing worse than false hope!

9dp5dt - well, this morning I went to the loo, wiped, and there it was. I guess that's that.

Insanity + ET

This morning I had one early blastocyst transferred.

The other embryo was still at the 8-cell stage so it hadn't progressed since day 3. Of course they gave me the usual "oh we'll watch & see if it catches up overnight" but I know this never EVER happens. At least not for us.

So here we are again, PUPO, and hanging all our hope on one tiny ball of cells.

From the moment I was told we only had one to transfer, and that it was just barely a blast, I've been down. I'm just not feeling it. I know I should be positive and optimistic.. but I'm struggling.

Actually last night it suddenly dawned on me that hubby will be 60 in less than five years. Holy crap! All this time he's been telling me he feels bad about potentionally not being around to see our kids grow up & I've dismissed it. I thought he's young at heart so it'll all be fine, because I just wanted another child so bad... but seriously, this guy has heart disease. I almost lost him when our son was just 9 months old. His condition is under control with medication but you just never know. Plus having another child would place extra stress on both of us.. Perhaps I really am being selfish. Perhaps this second baby isn't happening for us because it's just not meant to, for good reason.

I think this could really be our last roll of the dice. Don't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome? I think the definition of insanity is me.

Day 3 embryo progress

The scientist called this morning & I rushed out of the shower to answer the call... with my fingers crossed the whole time.

The two embryos we had on day 1 have both made it to day 3 - both are at the 8 cell stage. She said at this point they like to see between 6 & 8 cells so they're both on track. She reiterated that they have a lot of developing to do over the next couple of days so there is a chance one or both could falter after this yada yada. We'll get another call tomorrow from a nurse with an update & details about our transfer on Tuesday, if we get that far.

I think I will end up with arthritis or something from all the finger crossing..

PS. I had a lovely day out today with hubby & little guy. I also ended up quite tipsy. I know many wouldn't do it, but I'm throwing caution to the wind & just enjoying life this time. It was a great day :-)

Embryo update

Just a quick update.

I thought the clinic were going to call me yesterday afternoon but I didn't hear from them until this morning.

The nurse said of the five eggs collected yesterday, only two could be injected with sperm. The others mustn't have been mature or good quality. Today those two are showing good signs of fertilisation. I start with my first six clicks of Ovidrel any time tomorrow (for luteal support, instead of Crinone thank god!) and they'll give me another embryo update on Sunday (2 days from today). At this stage my transfer, if it goes ahead, will be on Tuesday (5 day transfer).

I stupidly got excited yesterday at the thought of having enough embryos to freeze. I should know better. This is all we ever get and we're lucky to end up with one to transfer. Feeling more than a little deflated. And crampy.

Got to pick myself up & have a lovely day out with hubby today. And cling onto hope.

E-day (EPU)

I set off at 6.55 this morning via cab into the city. Luckily the traffic across the bridge wasn't too bad so I was there in 15 minutes. The building is still undergoing repairs so a Genea rep was in the foyer providing lift access to the 4th floor only. After checking into reception I was taken straight through to the day surgery, rather than having to change & leave my belongings in a locker first. Thank god, as I wasn't given a magazine or anything, so I could use my iPhone for entertainment & to contact hubby.

He was at home getting our little guy ready for daycare, which didn't open til 8am. We don't normally take him til around 9.30am so it was a major operation. He did it well but unfortunately his cab was 15 mins late. Either way he wasn't going to make it in time for my egg collection which happened about 8.10am so I had to go it alone, again.

I was escorted into theatre by my FS doctor who pushed the recliner from my cubicle in for me to use later. Two nurses got me prepared & in the operating chair, before my FS started working on getting the cannular into my hand for my light sedation (Fentanyl). He had a false start in my right hand (ouch!) so had to switch to my left. That was probably the worst part of the whole ordeal! Within a minute I started feeling lightheaded & was laid back ready for the procedure. FS inserted the speculum, cleaned me inside, then started administering the local anaesthetic to my ovaries. That was a tiny bit ouchy at times. He proceeded to drain each of my follicles, of which we'd seen 7 on the last ultrasound. I could feel a slight bit of poking on the inside but it definitely wasn't hugely painful - I just took a deep breath & it was over in seconds.

The lovely embryologist, who had briefed me on the procedure earlier, was in the room, looking through the fluid retrieved from my follicles. She told me they found 5 eggs so my FS removed everything from my vajajay & finished up. I was given a moment to regather before being helped into the recliner & wheeled back to my cubicle. I was given tea, toast, biscuits and Panadeine. The embryologist came back in to tell me they had 4 good eggs to work with & would call me later after they cleaned them up, thawed the sperm & injected them (I'm having ICSI). FS came in to check on me & discuss the next steps. I asked about doing a 3 day transfer if we end up with only one embryo, seeing as this may be our last shot, but he wasn't particularly keen on that scenario. He didn't think it would make a difference to the chance of success, and in fact would prefer to save us the angst of enduring a TWW for nothing. Anyway, he was happy to discuss that later once we know what we're working with.

I'm still waiting for a call from the clinic (my advice: have a nap as soon as you get home.. I'm now ready for a nap but at 3.49pm, there's a good chance the clinic will call the minute I fall asleep!).

Update to follow...

*crossing fingers*

Go for launch!

Another BT & date with the dildo cam this morning (thankfully only about 8 women waiting this time) - and we counted 7 follicles, 2 on the right and 5 on the left. Of those there are three good ones at about 19.5, 19.5 and 18mm. Endo thickness has risen to 8.1. I'm stoked! It's our best yield in about the last 4 cycles. God I hope they all have mature eggs in them & that hubby's frozen sperm hits the mark!

The nurse rang about 4.30pm (I was getting worried they'd forgotten about me!) to say I'm booked in for my egg collection at 8am on Thursday - cycle day 17. So tonight I'll have the Trigger injection (Ovidrel) at precisely 8pm. This morning was my last dose of Luveris, Gonal-f and Cetrotide. Thank the Lord!! My belly looks like a pin cushion! I feel so bruised & bloated, my tummy is still upset now and then, and I just feel blah! 

So we're go for launch!

It's really scary just how positive and hopeful I feel. Dangerous even.